Decisions

Lately, I've been thinking about working from home. Yesterday, I attended a meeting that involved an opportunity to work for a company. It had a pyramid-based payment format, and after listening and asking a lot of questions, I decided it wasn't for me.

However, I have been thinking a lot about starting to teach piano lessons. I think I've about decided to go for it. I want to do a little more preparation, but I think it's going to be awesome! I'm excited, but nervous too. I've been playing for nearly 26 years, but I've had limited experience teaching.

Life is pretty interesting sometimes. Often we get taken in directions we weren't expecting.

A few years ago, if you'd have asked me where I was going to be at the age of 30, I probably would have guessed that I'd be married with four or five kids. That was my hope, anyway.

However, due to the fact that the Lord hasn't sent us anymore children yet, I am married with only one kid.

I am so grateful for him.

If I'm only supposed to have one so far, I'm pretty grateful that it's Kevin. He lights up my life and makes every  day exciting. He forces me to grow and become a better person, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes being a mother is frustrating, but for me, it's always worth it.

I've always wanted to be a mother. Whenever people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I told them that I wanted to be a veterinarian...if I wasn't married. Which basically meant that I was expecting to be married with lots of kids and so I really wasn't planning on becoming a veterinarian.

I love animals, but I always yearned for my own children. I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't want to snuggle a baby or play with a child.

I was lucky enough to eventually meet an incredible guy who was perfect for me. My little brother once told me that he didn't believe in soul mates and predestined love...except in the case of my husband and me. He said that we are just too much alike.

That tickled me a bit.

I'm so grateful that I've been able to be a mother and to be able to be a stay-at-home mother. I can't imagine that anything else would be so fulfilling. Perhaps that's why it's been so difficult that we haven't been able to get pregnant again. My soul aches for more children, and sometimes it's been difficult to cling to hope.

We've really felt that eventually the Lord is going to send us more children, but we're not sure when. I've finally (after three years) admitted that something might be wrong. If we don't get pregnant this month, we're going to go see a doctor and try and figure out what's going on.

However, in the mean time, we've started considering foster care. There are a lot of children out there who could use a stable home environment. We'd like to help them, if it's the right thing for our family. We're praying about it and thinking about it.

Life is definitely always changing. We'll have to see where it takes us next.

Thoughts on Motherhood and Infertility

I have been writing a lot lately about how much things have changed over the last couple of years. This post is written, in part, for Mother's Day this week, but also as a way to vent some feelings.

It is hard to believe how old my baby's getting. Today we were playing, and he holds up his hands and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." He obviously thought we needed to take a break.

It was really cute, and everyday he is understanding and communicating better.

I love my little guy.

It's not always easy to be a stay-at-home mom, but to be honest, it's all I've ever wanted. Whenever life gets kind of aggravating, and I find myself losing patience with my son, I have to remind myself that not only is this what I asked for, but I want more of the crazy little tykes.

In all honesty, we've been struggling for a while to get pregnant again. It's been over two years since we started trying. I can never fully understand what couples with infertility go through because I have Kevin, but I will say this...my empathy has grown profoundly toward you, and you have my respect.

The hard thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with us, and every month I get my hopes up, and then they are crushed. I have struggled to have faith and to put my trust in the Lord, but every time I've heard someone announce they're pregnant, or seen a new-born baby, pain strikes at my heart and I weep internally. I truly am happy for them, but I also sorrow because my empty arms ache to hold a little one.

Kevin is less of a baby every day. He helps me and hinders me, but he is slowly learning. The man that is inside him continues to emerge, and though it's a wonderful journey, it can be a somewhat sad one as well. I wouldn't change him for the world, but I desperately want him to have younger siblings. He's going to be such a great big brother.

I was born into a family with ten children. My parents are incredible people and my mother was blessed to be able to stay home with us. I've always wanted a big family. When Grig asked me how many kids I wanted, I told him, "Eight."

I asked him how many he wanted, and he told me, "Four or five."

We've gotten to the point now where we're happy with as many as the Lord will send us.

We've talked about adoption, but we haven't felt that the time was right for that yet, either. That doesn't mean it's out of the question, it just means "not now."

We feel that the time is drawing near for the next baby to come to our home, and I am trying to keep having faith. It is difficult, but I have learned a lot from this trial. I've learned to appreciate Kevin so much more, and it's been great to get to know him one on one.

He has taught me a lot.

I've also learned that it's easy to have faith for a while, but after months and months, it becomes difficult. Doubt begins to creep in, and we wonder if something isn't wrong with us. It is easy to wonder if we're doing something wrong, and we begin to look internally instead of externally to the source of all hope and truth.

I have also learned to lean more on my husband. He is a great man, and has been a huge support to me throughout all of this. I've never loved him more, but I also know that my love for him will continue to grow. He is a great provider and protector for our family. He is also a great father. Kevin looks forward eagerly all day for his dad to come home and play with him.

Being a mom is challenging. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. Kevin came so quickly after we were married that the nurses dubbed me "fertile myrtle." I thought it was funny, and I thought we'd have lots of children right in a row.

Obviously that isn't what's best for our family. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and that things will happen when they are supposed to. I know the Lord wants us, and when we have righteous desires he opens the way for us to do as He has commanded.

We will have more children. I know this is true. I just have to keep up my faith.

For all of those who struggle or who have struggled with infertility, know that you are in my prayers. There are many things I have not yet experienced in this life, but there is someone who has. Turn to your Heavenly Father, and through Christ's grace we can find comfort as we struggle in this life.

I have.

Future Baby

I see you there,

In your mother's arms.

She holds you close 

and you gaze at her.

Your love and adoration

prick my very soul,

and inside I sob

longing for my own.

My arms ache for a tiny form

to nestle inside of them.

My heart hurts as those around me

ignore my pain.

They don't know I'm suffering. 

They don't know I'm bereft.

They can't see through my mask

and water leaks through the cracks.

Then light fills me

I begin to glow.

Assurance has come

The doubt dissipates like dew.

 I can see you

Your hair dark

Your soul is pure

Your eyes meet mine

You are coming

And I await

With arms outstretched 

Ready to gather you home.

*I was feeling compelled to write poetry. I don't like to share poetry usually, because if I write it, it's intensely personal. Please forgive my lack of form. The thoughts didn't want to be restricted.

It Doesn't Always Come Naturally

Being a mom doesn't always come naturally.

This kid is awesome!

There is a revolutionary statement for you. However, it's true.

I grew up in a family with ten kids, and I was on the older side of things. I learned to change diapers at a very young age, entertain siblings, and help them stop crying. Not to brag or anything, but I'm really pretty good with kids.

I thought motherhood would be the same. I imagined that they would hand my baby to me, and I would instantly be the World's Best Mom. I figured that I would know just how to take care of my baby, and my life would just instantly be perfect.

I may never had uttered these actual words or even thought them consciously, but the reality still came as a shock. In the hospital, after a long and tough delivery that ended in a c-section, my baby was handed to me. Even having grown up around kids all my life, the thought that popped into my head was, "What do I do with this?"

They had to help me with breastfeeding, because it doesn't necessarily come naturally. In fact, they have a whole video that they show you before you leave the hospital that teaches you the proper technique for breastfeeding so that you aren't in pain all the time. Even though Kevin latched on right away and was an incredible eater, it still took us some time to get his mouth positioned right so it wasn't super painful every time.

The longer I'm a mother, the more I realize that I don't know anything. Being a sister was so easy. I could comfort my brothers and sisters during the day, but at night I got to return to my own bed and sleep (when I wasn't reading). I never really understood what happens during the night for my parents.

These last couple of weeks have brought a new kind of challenge to our home: my milk supply is no longer adequate for my baby. For a very long time, Kevin would eat foods in small quantities, but he was really getting most of his nutrition from nursing still. However, recently he would nurse and nurse and still act hungry. I finally realized that he needs more than just milk. It just isn't cutting it anymore.

So, I have been scrambling to find things that he will eat. Feeding a toddler is difficult. Something that they like one day is gross the next day, and vice versa. I made him macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, and he loved it...or at least, he loved the hotdog part. He wouldn't touch the noodles, and if I tried to sneak them into his mouth, he took them out and put them in my mouth.

He loves ramen, but that isn't healthy to eat every meal, even when I put vegetables and meat into it.

I think that this is one of those things that I assumed would come naturally and that ideas for feeding my toddler would be a snap. Life is so much more complex than that.

It doesn't always come naturally to put this incredible little soul's wants and needs before my own. It doesn't always come naturally to put my life on hold and temporarily give up my career to stay at home and be a mother. Sometimes it's hard to not be earning money. It doesn't always come naturally to have an unending supply of patience and love, especially on days where he's a little bit crazy.

However, it is worth it, and I'm learning. I'm learning to be a mother, and every day I hope to be a little better. Kevin is a great teacher, and as I learn, other things come naturally.

I may not be a perfect mother, but I am going to give it my best shot. If I mess up one day, I'm determined to do better the next. Stubbornness does come naturally for me, and I am determined to be the mother than Kevin and our other future children need!

Motherhood isn't always easy, and sometimes it's frustrating beyond belief, but there are moments between the frustration that are unforgettable. The first time your son wraps his little arms around your neck, squeezes as hard as he can, and then gives you a big kiss is one of those. Kevin has been doing that lately, and it makes my heart melt every time.

The in's-and-out's of motherhood may not be natural, but loving my son is.

And love makes all the difference.

For the Days of Frustration

Being a mother isn't always easy. 

You probably knew that already, but I feel the need to express myself. 

I've always wanted to be a mother.  That has really and honestly been the sole major goal in my life.  However, some days it is difficult. 

These last few days, I've found myself in a strange mood.  Or rather, in a large number of strange moods.  Usually, I'm pretty laid back and almost always calm.  However, for some reason I have been easily frustrated the last couple of days.  It seems like Kevin is in to everything, and no matter what I'm trying to do, he is bound and determined that I shouldn't accomplish it.  He keeps eating the mouse button off of my laptop.  He thinks it is hilarious. 

He also has been trying to electrocute himself with every single cord he can find. 

Usually, my frustration is an expression of my exhaustion with him trying to hurt himself.  It could also be the fact that I often don't get a full-night's sleep. Some days I feel like a worm trying to follow a cheetah.  I simply don't have the appendages to keep up and prevent him from doing what he wants.

My main trial is projects.  I've always been a bit single-minded when it came to accomplishing a task.  It's really hard for me to stop once I start.  Kevin is teaching me how to do just a little bit at a time.  

Now that I've expressed that side of things, let me tell you what gets me through those frustrating times.  It is Kevin himself.

Kevin can tell when I'm out of sorts and he tries his best to cheer me up.  Currently, he loves blowing raspberries on my arms and neck.  If I'm feeling a bit upset, he will do his best to clown a smile out of me.  I really appreciate that about my baby boy.

Even when he's trying to get into trouble, he is really just doing it to make me smile.  He thinks it is all a game, albeit occasionally an aggravating one for me.  Kevin loves everyone and a small smile from hm can brighten up anyone's day.

I love my baby boy more than I can express, and even when I want to go hide in a corner and let someone else watch him for a minute, I wouldn't trade him for all the sleep and all the calmness in the world.  He gives my life meaning, joy, and love.

I think my frustration lately is mostly because my husband is gone six days a week for over twelve hours.   I only get to see him for a very few hours a night, and often that time is taken up by shopping or eating dinner.  We don't have very much time together, and I haven't really had a break from being a mom for several weeks. 

I'm not trying to complain, just trying to express that being a mom 24/7 can be difficult sometimes.  My experience over the last few days, however, has really made me more sympathetic to single mothers.  Single mothers everywhere, I salute you.  I can't imagine doing what I do, and trying to earn a living all by myself as well.  I get the wonderful added blessing of knowing exactly what my son is being exposed to and what I want to teach him.

Last night, Grig was wonderful.  I was trying to sew Kevin a pair a pants, but he wouldn't let me do anything.  When Grig got home, he and his son played while I finished sewing.  It was a nice opportunity for me to accomplish a project.

As I am typing this, Kevin is trying to bite me. 

I love my boy.  He is teaching me what really matters in life, and how to use what little time I have.  Every day that I spend with him teaches me more about myself and my Heavenly Father.  Parenthood is a wonderful blessing and a joy. 

For those days that are frustrating, remember your blessings.  Remember why you are doing what you are doing.  If you don't have a reason, find one.  This life is nothing without purpose.  My purpose is now my son and my husband. They bring me joy and they make trials worth it. 

I wouldn't have my life any other way.