Friday, May 15, 2015

Thoughts on Motherhood and Infertility

I have been writing a lot lately about how much things have changed over the last couple of years. This post is written, in part, for Mother's Day this week, but also as a way to vent some feelings.

It is hard to believe how old my baby's getting. Today we were playing, and he holds up his hands and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." He obviously thought we needed to take a break.

It was really cute, and everyday he is understanding and communicating better.

I love my little guy.

It's not always easy to be a stay-at-home mom, but to be honest, it's all I've ever wanted. Whenever life gets kind of aggravating, and I find myself losing patience with my son, I have to remind myself that not only is this what I asked for, but I want more of the crazy little tykes.

In all honesty, we've been struggling for a while to get pregnant again. It's been over two years since we started trying. I can never fully understand what couples with infertility go through because I have Kevin, but I will say empathy has grown profoundly toward you, and you have my respect.

The hard thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with us, and every month I get my hopes up, and then they are crushed. I have struggled to have faith and to put my trust in the Lord, but every time I've heard someone announce they're pregnant, or seen a new-born baby, pain strikes at my heart and I weep internally. I truly am happy for them, but I also sorrow because my empty arms ache to hold a little one.

Kevin is less of a baby every day. He helps me and hinders me, but he is slowly learning. The man that is inside him continues to emerge, and though it's a wonderful journey, it can be a somewhat sad one as well. I wouldn't change him for the world, but I desperately want him to have younger siblings. He's going to be such a great big brother.

I was born into a family with ten children. My parents are incredible people and my mother was blessed to be able to stay home with us. I've always wanted a big family. When Grig asked me how many kids I wanted, I told him, "Eight."

I asked him how many he wanted, and he told me, "Four or five."

We've gotten to the point now where we're happy with as many as the Lord will send us.

We've talked about adoption, but we haven't felt that the time was right for that yet, either. That doesn't mean it's out of the question, it just means "not now."

We feel that the time is drawing near for the next baby to come to our home, and I am trying to keep having faith. It is difficult, but I have learned a lot from this trial. I've learned to appreciate Kevin so much more, and it's been great to get to know him one on one.

He has taught me a lot.

I've also learned that it's easy to have faith for a while, but after months and months, it becomes difficult. Doubt begins to creep in, and we wonder if something isn't wrong with us. It is easy to wonder if we're doing something wrong, and we begin to look internally instead of externally to the source of all hope and truth.

I have also learned to lean more on my husband. He is a great man, and has been a huge support to me throughout all of this. I've never loved him more, but I also know that my love for him will continue to grow. He is a great provider and protector for our family. He is also a great father. Kevin looks forward eagerly all day for his dad to come home and play with him.

Being a mom is challenging. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. Kevin came so quickly after we were married that the nurses dubbed me "fertile myrtle." I thought it was funny, and I thought we'd have lots of children right in a row.

Obviously that isn't what's best for our family. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and that things will happen when they are supposed to. I know the Lord wants us, and when we have righteous desires he opens the way for us to do as He has commanded.

We will have more children. I know this is true. I just have to keep up my faith.

For all of those who struggle or who have struggled with infertility, know that you are in my prayers. There are many things I have not yet experienced in this life, but there is someone who has. Turn to your Heavenly Father, and through Christ's grace we can find comfort as we struggle in this life.

I have.

Future Baby

I see you there,
In your mother's arms.
She holds you close 
and you gaze at her.

Your love and adoration
prick my very soul,
and inside I sob
longing for my own.

My arms ache for a tiny form
to nestle inside of them.
My heart hurts as those around me
ignore my pain.

They don't know I'm suffering. 
They don't know I'm bereft.
They can't see through my mask
and water leaks through the cracks.

Then light fills me
I begin to glow.
Assurance has come
The doubt dissipates like dew.

 I can see you
Your hair dark
Your soul is pure
Your eyes meet mine

You are coming
And I await
With arms outstretched 
Ready to gather you home.

*I was feeling compelled to write poetry. I don't like to share poetry usually, because if I write it, it's intensely personal. Please forgive my lack of form. The thoughts didn't want to be restricted.


  1. I remember struggling when Emma was getting bigger, and I wasn't married anymore so no hope of babies. It was hard. But not hard like getting hopes up each month would be.

    Thank you for sharing. Your poem really touched me.

    1. Thanks, Sarah. I appreciate you reading and commenting. I'm always really insecure about sharing poetry, so I appreciate your kind words.

  2. I know what you're going through. Counting the months by the menstrual cycle is no way to live, and thinking that any small symptom might be pregnancy makes it that much devastating when you find out you're not. But you guys are strong, and I know you'll get through it. It's a matter of finding something else to balance your life, something else to focus on. For me, it was writing, and cake decorating, and practicing the piano, learning how to sew, reading, and accepting a whole lotta callings. Enough so that my every spare moment wasn't focused on babies.

    1. Krista, I really admire you and how you've coped with this. Whenever I've felt like complaining, I've looked to your example. You and Kenny are pretty amazing. I know you'll get kids eventually too!

    2. Thanks! Though I do have to say that I'm not always so positive and happy. But it's amazing to look back and see the blessings that I've had through everything.

  3. Your poem is beautiful! You are a great mother to your son and we are all praying for you to have more kids. We love you!

  4. I feel your pain! Yes, you have been very blessed to have Kevin first before having to struggle with infertility. We adopted Lindsey (one month old) one week after our fifth anniversary. Six years later we adopted Christopher. Then it wasn't until Lindsey was had finished her freshman year of college that we adopted Hannah, at age 8. And then nine months later, for our twenty-fifth anniversary, I got to give birth for the first time. It's so hard to wait. My heart aches for you.

    1. Thanks, Kelly. I'm so glad that you've found a way to have so many wonderful children even with your struggles. You and your husband are amazing people, and I feel blessed that I got to know you.

  5. Oh how I wish you didn't have to go through this. We have been trying for 5 years. We have done lots of tests and treatments and "nothing is wrong with either of us." I know the type of pain and roller coaster of emotions infertility brings. It has taken me years, but I have finally found what helps when I'm struggling, and what makes it worse. Love ya! If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or someone to vent to I'm here for you! Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful poem (it may have made me tear up a little) - I know how hard it is to share sometimes!! You are doing a great job and you are just wonderful!

    1. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your kind words and we'll be praying for you as well.