Thoughts on Motherhood and Infertility

I have been writing a lot lately about how much things have changed over the last couple of years. This post is written, in part, for Mother's Day this week, but also as a way to vent some feelings.

It is hard to believe how old my baby's getting. Today we were playing, and he holds up his hands and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." He obviously thought we needed to take a break.

It was really cute, and everyday he is understanding and communicating better.

I love my little guy.

It's not always easy to be a stay-at-home mom, but to be honest, it's all I've ever wanted. Whenever life gets kind of aggravating, and I find myself losing patience with my son, I have to remind myself that not only is this what I asked for, but I want more of the crazy little tykes.

In all honesty, we've been struggling for a while to get pregnant again. It's been over two years since we started trying. I can never fully understand what couples with infertility go through because I have Kevin, but I will say this...my empathy has grown profoundly toward you, and you have my respect.

The hard thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with us, and every month I get my hopes up, and then they are crushed. I have struggled to have faith and to put my trust in the Lord, but every time I've heard someone announce they're pregnant, or seen a new-born baby, pain strikes at my heart and I weep internally. I truly am happy for them, but I also sorrow because my empty arms ache to hold a little one.

Kevin is less of a baby every day. He helps me and hinders me, but he is slowly learning. The man that is inside him continues to emerge, and though it's a wonderful journey, it can be a somewhat sad one as well. I wouldn't change him for the world, but I desperately want him to have younger siblings. He's going to be such a great big brother.

I was born into a family with ten children. My parents are incredible people and my mother was blessed to be able to stay home with us. I've always wanted a big family. When Grig asked me how many kids I wanted, I told him, "Eight."

I asked him how many he wanted, and he told me, "Four or five."

We've gotten to the point now where we're happy with as many as the Lord will send us.

We've talked about adoption, but we haven't felt that the time was right for that yet, either. That doesn't mean it's out of the question, it just means "not now."

We feel that the time is drawing near for the next baby to come to our home, and I am trying to keep having faith. It is difficult, but I have learned a lot from this trial. I've learned to appreciate Kevin so much more, and it's been great to get to know him one on one.

He has taught me a lot.

I've also learned that it's easy to have faith for a while, but after months and months, it becomes difficult. Doubt begins to creep in, and we wonder if something isn't wrong with us. It is easy to wonder if we're doing something wrong, and we begin to look internally instead of externally to the source of all hope and truth.

I have also learned to lean more on my husband. He is a great man, and has been a huge support to me throughout all of this. I've never loved him more, but I also know that my love for him will continue to grow. He is a great provider and protector for our family. He is also a great father. Kevin looks forward eagerly all day for his dad to come home and play with him.

Being a mom is challenging. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. Kevin came so quickly after we were married that the nurses dubbed me "fertile myrtle." I thought it was funny, and I thought we'd have lots of children right in a row.

Obviously that isn't what's best for our family. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and that things will happen when they are supposed to. I know the Lord wants us, and when we have righteous desires he opens the way for us to do as He has commanded.

We will have more children. I know this is true. I just have to keep up my faith.

For all of those who struggle or who have struggled with infertility, know that you are in my prayers. There are many things I have not yet experienced in this life, but there is someone who has. Turn to your Heavenly Father, and through Christ's grace we can find comfort as we struggle in this life.

I have.

Future Baby

I see you there,

In your mother's arms.

She holds you close 

and you gaze at her.

Your love and adoration

prick my very soul,

and inside I sob

longing for my own.

My arms ache for a tiny form

to nestle inside of them.

My heart hurts as those around me

ignore my pain.

They don't know I'm suffering. 

They don't know I'm bereft.

They can't see through my mask

and water leaks through the cracks.

Then light fills me

I begin to glow.

Assurance has come

The doubt dissipates like dew.

 I can see you

Your hair dark

Your soul is pure

Your eyes meet mine

You are coming

And I await

With arms outstretched 

Ready to gather you home.

*I was feeling compelled to write poetry. I don't like to share poetry usually, because if I write it, it's intensely personal. Please forgive my lack of form. The thoughts didn't want to be restricted.

Diamonds, Vacuums, and Hindsight

The other day, my sisters and I were talking about wedding rings, and I was reminded of a story that occurred several years ago.

One day, my mother looked down at her ring and realized that the diamond was missing from it. She knew it hadn't been gone too long, but she searched around the house and couldn't find the diamond anywhere. So, she pulled the vacuum bag out of the vacuum and stored it in the closet until she had a chance to go through it and see if the diamond was in it.

However, a few years passed and the bag sat in the closet untouched. My mother got a new diamond for her ring, and the bag was temporarily forgotten.

Then, one day, I was looking for something to do and my mother remembered the vacuum bag. She asked me if I wanted to look through the dirt and stuff in the vacuum for the diamond. I quickly agreed to do it. It sounded like fun to me. (I'm kind of a strange person).

So, we spread out a sheet on the floor and I dumped out the bag. I spent the next couple of hours combing through lint, dirt, and other unmentionables. I kind of enjoy meticulous tasks that don't require much thought because I enjoy thinking about other things while I'm doing them. Imagine my delight however, when suddenly I saw something glinting in my hands.

I had actually found the tiny diamond amid all the garbage! I was pretty excited and raced upstairs to show my mother. We cleaned it off and after discussing the event with my father, they offered me a reward for my hard work.

I could either have $10 or a giant candy cane.

Guess which one I picked.

I picked the candy cane.

I was in high school. I should have known that I could have bought a couple candy canes with the ten bucks, but money has never really been that important to me. At the time, the candy sounded much better.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Now I probably would have taken the money (or definitely would have taken the money), but my shortsightedness at the time told me that I could have candy that instant.

How often do we give up something of worth in order to get something instantly?

Probably way too often.

The diamond isn't going to waste. It will be used eventually. I just think my decision was pretty hilarious.

Happy Mother's Day, by the way. I haven't mentioned too much about it, but it definitely was on our thoughts this weekend. That's one of the reasons we went to my parents' home to visit. I hope all of you mothers had a fantastic day and your kids were nice to you. Also, to those of you who find Mother's Day painful for one reason or another, I send you my love. Not everyone is a mother or has a mother to celebrate.

For those of you who feel this way, know that you have been mothered or motherly to someone, and you do make a difference in our lives. I consider many wonderful women to have been motherly to me, and they have made a huge impact in my life.

We love you!