Lessons from Loss

Last week, we had a death in the family. My cousin's four month old baby, who was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia when she was born, passed away on April 22. 

It's been an emotional week for them, and for me. I felt prompted to ask them if I could make them a gift, and my offer was accepted. So for the past week, I've been working on that. 

As I've browsed through pictures and videos of this beautiful and amazing soul, I have really come to know her and to love her. Even though I was never able to meet her in person, she has really affected me. She had such strength and joy, and her expressions spoke volumes. 

On Saturday, we had the funeral, and her mother and father spoke. Her father gave an incredible life sketch which filled in the gaps that the pictures hadn't told me. Her mother talked about lessons that she had learned from her daughter, and I wanted to share a couple of things that she taught me that day. 

One of the things I loved the most, was when my cousin talked about being happy. She said that for the first while, she was very sad. Not just that, but she felt like she was expected to be sad because things were very difficult. Her daughter had never left the hospital and her entire life had been uprooted as they lived hours away from their home, not knowing if her baby would survive each day. However, at one point my cousin decided that, if her daughter didn't have very long to live, she didn't want her to live her life "surrounded by sorry saps." She wanted her daughter to know happy people. So, she chose to be happy, despite her circumstances, and she said that this decision changed everything. 

The other thing I really liked that they kept bringing up was miracles. We had quite a few fasts for their baby in our home, and we had a few family fasts with everyone else. Every time, something miraculous happened that helped this baby stay until her time on earth was completed. Miracles are real, and they do happen today. I have seen so many in our lives, and I'm so grateful for the reminder that this incredible little girl gave to us. 

It has been a difficult, but wonderful week. I have felt the Spirit so many times, and I have felt a lot of love for family and friends. I'm grateful for my cousin and her family. They have helped me grow and come closer to my Savior.

A couple weeks ago, I was feeling a bit directionless. However, when we visited the temple the day after this sweet baby girl passed away, I received some important counsel for myself. The Lord basically told me that I can be stronger than I am; I can have more patience and faith. If I'm struggling with faith and hope, I need to pray to Him and He will sustain me. I need to quit giving up so easily and I need to do better, because I'm capable of so much more. 

Since then, I've been trying to have more faith and hope. I'm learning to trust in the Lord's timing and in His plan for me and my family. 

Loss is very difficult, but I am so grateful for the things I have learned from this experience. I do feel that I have become a better person because of it. 

Mormon Monday: Parables and Envy

Yesterday at church, the speaker quoted Elder Hollands talk titled: The Laborers in the Vineyard.

I want to relay a bit of that talk that was read in Sacrament.

I wish to speak of the Savior’s parable in which a householder “went out early in the morning to hire labourers.” After employing the first group at 6:00 in the morning, he returned at 9:00 a.m., at 12:00 noon, and at 3:00 in the afternoon, hiring more workers as the urgency of the harvest increased. The scripture says he came back a final time, “about the eleventh hour” (approximately 5:00 p.m.), and hired a concluding number. Then just an hour later, all the workers gathered to receive their day’s wage. Surprisingly, all received the same wage in spite of the different hours of labor. Immediately, those hired first were angry, saying, “These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.”¹When reading this parable, perhaps you, as well as those workers, have felt there was an injustice being done here. Let me speak briefly to that concern.

First of all it is important to note that no one has been treated unfairly here. The first workers agreed to the full wage of the day, and they received it. Furthermore, they were, I can only imagine, very grateful to get the work. In the time of the Savior, an average man and his family could not do much more than live on what they made that day. If you didn’t work or farm or fish or sell, you likely didn’t eat. With more prospective workers than jobs, these first men chosen were the most fortunate in the entire labor pool that morning.

Indeed, if there is any sympathy to be generated, it should at least initially be for the men not chosen who also had mouths to feed and backs to clothe. Luck never seemed to be with some of them. With each visit of the steward throughout the day, they always saw someone else chosen.

But just at day’s close, the householder returns a surprising fifth time with a remarkable eleventh-hour offer! These last and most discouraged of laborers, hearing only that they will be treated fairly, accept work without even knowing the wage, knowing thatanything will be better than nothing, which is what they have had so far. Then as they gather for their payment, they are stunned to receive the same as all the others! How awestruck they must have been and how very, very grateful! Surely never had such compassion been seen in all their working days.

It is with that reading of the story that I feel the grumbling of the first laborers must be seen. As the householder in the parable tells them (and I paraphrase only slightly): “My friends, I am not being unfair to you. You agreed on the wage for the day, a good wage. You were very happy to get the work, and I am very happy with the way you served. You are paid in full. Take your pay and enjoy the blessing. As for the others, surely I am free to do what I like with my own money.” Then this piercing question to anyone then or now who needs to hear it: “Why should you be jealous because I choose to be kind?” 

As the speaker read these words, I realized that he was talking to me.

Some of you are aware that we've been trying to have another baby for a while. It has been a bit trying for me. Adam was conceived very quickly, and so I've been worried that it's been taking so long to get pregnant with our second.

Don't get me wrong. I'm SO grateful for Kevin, and I can't imagine the pain of those who've been trying to have children and don't already have one. I have gained a lot of empathy for those who've had this struggle, and I've become more sensitive to things that I say around others as well.

Even though I am very grateful for Kevin, I still am baby hungry and I have prayed and fasted for another child. After we weaned Kevin, I thought for sure that we were going to get pregnant right away. That hasn't happened. Every month, I gain hope that we are pregnant, only to have my hopes dashed. It's been very difficult, and faith-challenging.

I know children are a righteous desire, and so it's been hard to understand why we haven't had our prayers answered yet. One of the most difficult things is that so many people around me seem to be having babies, and I can't help but be a bit jealous. However, I have really tried to be happy for their sake as well.

Just because others receive blessings, doesn't mean that we have been treated unfairly. I think that is a huge issue that plagues our world at the moment. We all think that we deserve every blessing. Really, we don't deserve anything. Everything we have is a blessing, and we should be grateful that our brothers and sisters are receiving blessings as well.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon (Mosiah 2: 20-22) that says:

 20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another—

 21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

 22 And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

Essentially, the very fact that we are alive is a blessing from the Lord. Then, when we keep His commandments, He blesses us immediately. We can never put God in debt to us. So, why does he do so much for us?

It is because He loves us.

And if He loves us, should we not love one another and be happy when someone else is blessed?

Some of my favorite people to be around are people that rejoice when I rejoice. How much fun is it to talk to someone and tell them good news only to have them try and outshine your accomplishment or belittle it? It is a lot more fun to tell people about your accomplishments when they are happy with you and make you feel good about what you have done.

I want to be that kind of person. I want to be happy for them when they have good news without having any internal reservations or jealousy.

Are Things Ever 'Just Right'?

 

Everyone knows the story of Goldilocks and the three bears.  One bowl of porridge was too hot, one was too cold, and one was just right.

However, in life, it seems that things are never 'just right'.  How many days of the year do we go outside and say, "Ah, the weather is just right today!"?  A few maybe, but not very many.

When I worked at a gas station, the most common complaint I would hear from people who were coming in during the summer was: "It's too hot!"  A few months later, during the winter people would come in and complain that it was now "Too cold!"  Very rarely did anyone say, "Ah, the weather is just right today.  I'm so glad that I went outside!"

I'm not exempt from this attitude either.  When we moved into our new apartment on the second floor, we found out that we didn't have air conditioning.  Luckily for us, heat rises, so it has been a very hot summer.  We bought a few fans and our bedroom has been livable, but it has been difficult.  Often our apartment is too hot, and we are constantly wishing that the fall months will come quickly.

However, just this week the weather took a turn for the cooler, and though I'm enjoying being outside in the cool weather, our bedroom has become too cold!  We've had to turn off the fan for fear of being frozen out!  Suddenly, I'm remembering why I like summer so much more than winter.  I HATE being cold!

I too often find myself saying things like: "When this happens, we'll be happy."  "When we graduate, things will be better."  "When we get a full-time job, things will be easier."

That isn't usually the case though.  When we do get those things, they usually come with their own version of trials, and things are equally, if not more, difficult.

A while ago, one of our leaders gave a talk that was called, "Finding Joy in the Journey."  Click on the link to read it, I'd highly recommend it.  It addressed the fact that we need to be happy wherever we are, and find things that are 'just right' right now.

So, here goes my list of 'just rights':

Right now, my husband's job is just right for us.
Right now, my baby is just the right age.
Right now, we have just hte right number of kids.
Right now, we have just the right number of pets.
Right now, we are living in just the right place.
Right now, we have just the right amount of money.
Right now, we are just right in our marriage.
Right now, I am just right in my relationship with our Lord.

That doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement in these things, but I know that as we are trying our best, we can enjoy where we are, even as we improve.

Take time out of your day.  Enjoy the little things.  Look around for small tender mercies from the Lord.  Admire the beauty of the clouds.  Enjoy having kids that mess up your house.  Enjoy having people to eat with that make dirty dishes.  Enjoy being loved by your family and friends.

Yes, things will change in time, but when they do, we can always find more things that are 'just right' with our lives.  As we do, we'll be happier now and less stressed about the future. 



What are some things in your life that are 'just right'?