Things are Moving Forward

*Note: For those who are new to my blog, we do use pseudonyms. Grig is my husband and Kevin is our son.

So, I haven't posted in a long time. I really have a lot I want to talk about, and one of the biggest things is a vacation that we just returned from. However, that isn't what I wanted to share today.

This article might be TMI for some people, so feel free not to read it if fertility type stuff makes you uncomfortable,but I wanted to share what's been going on with our fertility attempts and some news we just received. I have tried to be discreet, but I've got a partially medical background, so some things don't bother me that bother other people.

I've posted before that we've had difficulty having more children. We also haven't been able to do much in the way of fertility treatments, for a variety of reasons, including a distinct lack of money. I think I was also in partial denial that anything was wrong with me. I mean, Kevin was so easy, right?

However, we have been gradually trying to do a few things. Over a year ago, I reached a very important mile-mark for me. I dropped below 200 pounds! It took over a year to lose nearly 25 pounds, and I was very excited. However, the next month I tried Clomid. Between the months of December and March (which was when I was taking the clomid) I gained those thirty pounds back that I had lost. It was very discouraging. It really made it hard for me to want to try any fertility medications again.

However, within the last few months I've been babysitting some fantastic kids and Grig's job has been going well. I had a check-up, and the doctor suggested that we try femara, which is normally a breast-cancer drug, but can also be used for fertility. He also wanted me to come in twelve days after my cycle started so we could do an ultrasound and see how things were developing.

Meanwhile, we also had Grig checked, and everything was normal on his end. That was also good to know.

It was last month that we had the first ultrasound. My ovaries looked like spider webs (my description, and one the doctor said he had never heard before). There were lots of little follicles, but none were dominantly developing into eggs. At that moment, the doctor told me that I have polycystic ovary syndrome, otherwise know as PCOS. This wasn't devastating news for me. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The thing that I had been praying for before I went into the doctor's that day, was that they would be able to know what was wrong and why we hadn't been able to have children. I was so relieved to finally know why. It also explained a lot of symptoms that I've had for a long-time that are all directly tied to this syndrome (including weight gain and a difficulty losing the weight).

Here's a quick snippet about PCOS:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs.
The exact cause of PCOS is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

If you want to know more, feel free to follow this link.

As the doctor went on to explain a bit about this syndrome, I was also encouraged to hear that there are a lot of treatments for it, including clomid and femara.  The clomid hadn't worked for me, and the femara didn't appear to be helping yet, so he prescribed me a double dose for the next month. I was to take it, and return again twelve days after my cycle started for another ultrasound to see if it was working.

Yesterday, I returned. I had a longer wait in the room this time, which gave me some time to get nervous. I also did some praying. I pleaded that this time, the drug would work, so we would be able to have more children.

After about twenty minutes, the doctor came in, and the ultrasound began. My endometrial layer, which evidently had been very thin the first time was much thicker this time. That was good news, according to the doctor. Then, we got to my ovaries, instead of spiderwebs, with lots of tiny holes, there were two very large circles on the left, and one large circle on the right. My follicles were developing into three dominant eggs! I asked him if that meant twins (or triplets), and he said, "Not necessarily, but it does give you really good chances of getting pregnant when you have a dominant one on both sides."

I can't tell you the amount of excitement I feel. This doesn't mean were guaranteed to get pregnant this month, but it's definitely a step in the right direction and an answer to my prayers. I'm feeling more hope than I've felt in a long time.

Even though this has been really difficult for us, I also feel like it's part of the Lord's plan for our family. I feel like a lot of things have happened that needed to happen before we had more children. The foster care classes were fantastic, even though we never ended up with any foster children (at least not yet). They taught us how to become better parents. We've also learned a lot of really important lessons and made friends with a lot of incredible people that we probably wouldn't have gotten to know if I wasn't trying to find friends for Kevin to play with.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the many things we have been blessed with. We've had so many miracles recently, most of which I won't share, and this news is only part of it. I'm so grateful for my husband and for our son. I've learned a lot from our five-year-old, and am looking forward to him hopefully becoming a big brother soon. It was interesting to learn that I've had this syndrome since puberty, and that means that Kevin's birth was a miracle, too.

Most people want to have careers and become something, but the only thing I've ever wanted with every fiber of my being was to be a mother. I graduated from and loved college, but motherhood was always in the back of my mind. Kevin fulfilled that dream in ways I'm so grateful for, but I've dreamed of a large family since I was little, and during the last five years, it has been difficult to realize that my plan for my future wasn't the same as God's plan for our family.

One thing I have learned though, is that His plan is better, and the more that I try and listen, the happier I am. I have found so many reasons to be happy, even during those times when I felt like hope was shriveling inside of me.

I pray that this helps someone in their own journey. All of us experience different hardships, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for everyone. It's usually not what we want, but it always turns out better than we had hoped for as long as we try to listen and live the best that we know how.

We'll try and post more frequently. Thanks for reading!

My Experiences with Sleeping

When I was a kid, I had the hardest time going to bed.

It wasn't just that I had a hard time falling asleep (although that was also a problem), it was also that I had a hard time WANTING to sleep. I felt like I was wasting so much time when I was asleep. I wanted to be awake and doing things (like reading), and sleep just wasted my time. It helped that I could function on very few hours, and so for a long time I did.

Part of the issue was that if I did try to go to bed early, I would just lay there for hours trying to fall asleep. Sometimes, I even remember coming upstairs crying in frustration because I couldn't pass into unconsciousness. Those were very tiring nights for me, and the more stressed I got about being unable to sleep, the worse it became.

When I got to college, it actually became even more severe m,,,,,,,,,,. At the time, I was experiencing some tremors in my hands and muscles, and they thought that maybe my inability to sleep was the cause. They put me on some medication that was supposed to help me fall asleep. Instead, it helped me gain 20 lbs and since I only took it right before I went to bed, I would take it at 4:00 in the morning and be unable to wake up for class.

That was pretty tough. I quickly got off that medication and just decided to chance it on my own.

I've never been able to shake the weight I gained then. That has been kind of frustrating.

My lack of sleeping continued. Many nights I got two or less hours of sleep. I didn't think it was affecting me, but I'm sure it was. I started to have a hard time waking up and I would fall asleep during class, which I had never done before.

This continued until I left for my mission. On the mission, they have a very strict schedule that they ask you to keep, and for the first time I was trying to go to bed by 10:30 at night. However, even though I was exhausted, I would still sometimes lay in my bed for hours trying to go to sleep.

When I returned to college, I still averaged probably 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I did really well on that, and if I got more than six hours, I often felt more tired.

Motherhood has changed everything. Kevin is waking up about every two hours, and with our early morning schedule, I am learning to go to bed earlier all the time. Sometimes I still can't fall asleep, but usually I am able to.

Kevin and Grig don't have a hard time sleeping. Lucky boys.

I like sleeping now. It doesn't feel like a waste of time. Instead, it feels like a wonderful break. I usually have interesting dreams too, and that often makes it difficult to wake up.

Kevin makes a great alarm clock though. If only all alarm clocks would kick you and pull your hair.