Lessons from Loss

Last week, we had a death in the family. My cousin's four month old baby, who was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia when she was born, passed away on April 22. 

It's been an emotional week for them, and for me. I felt prompted to ask them if I could make them a gift, and my offer was accepted. So for the past week, I've been working on that. 

As I've browsed through pictures and videos of this beautiful and amazing soul, I have really come to know her and to love her. Even though I was never able to meet her in person, she has really affected me. She had such strength and joy, and her expressions spoke volumes. 

On Saturday, we had the funeral, and her mother and father spoke. Her father gave an incredible life sketch which filled in the gaps that the pictures hadn't told me. Her mother talked about lessons that she had learned from her daughter, and I wanted to share a couple of things that she taught me that day. 

One of the things I loved the most, was when my cousin talked about being happy. She said that for the first while, she was very sad. Not just that, but she felt like she was expected to be sad because things were very difficult. Her daughter had never left the hospital and her entire life had been uprooted as they lived hours away from their home, not knowing if her baby would survive each day. However, at one point my cousin decided that, if her daughter didn't have very long to live, she didn't want her to live her life "surrounded by sorry saps." She wanted her daughter to know happy people. So, she chose to be happy, despite her circumstances, and she said that this decision changed everything. 

The other thing I really liked that they kept bringing up was miracles. We had quite a few fasts for their baby in our home, and we had a few family fasts with everyone else. Every time, something miraculous happened that helped this baby stay until her time on earth was completed. Miracles are real, and they do happen today. I have seen so many in our lives, and I'm so grateful for the reminder that this incredible little girl gave to us. 

It has been a difficult, but wonderful week. I have felt the Spirit so many times, and I have felt a lot of love for family and friends. I'm grateful for my cousin and her family. They have helped me grow and come closer to my Savior.

A couple weeks ago, I was feeling a bit directionless. However, when we visited the temple the day after this sweet baby girl passed away, I received some important counsel for myself. The Lord basically told me that I can be stronger than I am; I can have more patience and faith. If I'm struggling with faith and hope, I need to pray to Him and He will sustain me. I need to quit giving up so easily and I need to do better, because I'm capable of so much more. 

Since then, I've been trying to have more faith and hope. I'm learning to trust in the Lord's timing and in His plan for me and my family. 

Loss is very difficult, but I am so grateful for the things I have learned from this experience. I do feel that I have become a better person because of it. 

Prayers and Faith

We've been learning a lot of lessons lately as we've been waiting for prayers to be answered.

It's been over three years since we started trying to have a second child, and at times it has been heart-breaking and terrible. It has also taught us so much, and I'm so grateful for the lessons that I have learned.

One of the most recent lessons came from a friend of mine. She had gone through a similar experience, but in her case, she had to wait seven years for her second child! That's seems like such a long time. I know Abraham's wife, Sarah, had to wait even longer, and I can't even imagine. However, never once do we hear of her complaining or doubting.

Anyway, my friend told me, that when her son turned three, he decided he wanted a little sister, and every day for four years this little boy prayed for a sister. Never once did he ask why God hadn't answered his prayers. He just continued to pray in faith, knowing that the Lord would answer when the time was right. She told me that she learned a lot about prayer from her son.

I'm really grateful to her for sharing that experience with me, and hope that she doesn't mind that I have shared it on here. It made a big difference in my understanding of how to pray.

I think sometimes, I get impatient with the Lord. I think, "I'm ready now, please send the blessings!" and then nothing happens.

I'm learning, albeit slowly, to trust. It's one thing to tell myself that I know that God can do anything, and another thing to believe that His timing is perfect and trust in that. I'm realizing that faith without patience and trust, isn't really faith at all. It is me, showing Heavenly Father that I think I know better than Him. If I truly believe that He wants what's best for me, I also need to believe that He knows when is best for me.

Unlike my friend's son, I have doubted and struggled. Every month, it has seemed that I've gotten my hopes up, only to have disappointment spear through me like a knife.

I've struggled with knowing how to hope, while avoiding the pain of disappointment and continuing to pray faithfully for a child.

I know it is a righteous desire, and I have received confirmation that we will have another child from my Heavenly Father. I only need to have patience and trust that the child will come when he/she is supposed to.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' Bible dictionary, under the topic of prayer, it says:

As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.

I love how it says that prayer is the "act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other." Some of the best prayers I've ever said are when I've asked Heavenly Father to help me know what to pray for. Then, when he has, my prayers sound different, and I know the things that are said will come to pass.

Sometimes it's hard to keep praying for things when it seems like the answers will never come, but by doing so, we show our faith and trust in Heavenly Father. It is difficult, but the more that I've been doing it, the more peace I've had inside that the promised blessings will come as I patiently hope and trust in Him and His timing.

I know that Heavenly Father wants what's best for me. As I strive to bend myself to His will, I become more like Him. The greatest blessings in my life have come as I've heeded His counsel and done my best to follow the promptings that I've received. I am so grateful for all He has given me, and I'm trying to remember to thank Him for the blessings I already have. If I'm not grateful for what I've been given, why would He give me more?

A Surprising Twist

This could be considered part 5 of a series about our current struggle with Grig's job. If you want part four with links to the other three parts, follow this link to "Enduring Faith."

A few days ago, as I was struggling with my faith, I was reading the scriptures. I was reading a story in Alma, where a group of righteous people had been enslaved by the Lamanites. They hadn't done anything wrong, and they cried out to the Lord for Him to save them.

At first, the Lord just told them, in Mosiah 24:13 

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

However, for a while they had to continue to suffer in bondage. The Lord made their burdens light, so they couldn't feel them, and then after a while, it says, in Mosiah 24:16:

And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

As I read that, I was floored by the word patience (which is why I bolded it). I hadn't noticed that word before. It wasn't just their faith that was great. They also had great patience to wait on the Lord's time.

I felt like that was my answer. The Lord was telling me that if I would wait in faith and patience, we would receive all the blessings we had been promised.

Yesterday, at church, we received some surprising news. We had been in contact with the seller of the Norwegian Elkhound that we had been looking at purchasing. We had felt good about telling him that we were going to come and get the puppy on Monday. We had also explained why we had been waiting so long, so he knew that if Grig didn't get the job that day, that we'd have to wait a little longer, but that we were definitely interested in getting the puppy.

However, yesterday morning, as we walked into church, Grig received a text that told us that the seller had sold the puppy the day before, and someone had just come to pick her up. She was gone.

For the first little while after that, we were baffled. When Grig showed me the text, the impression I got was, "This isn't the end; it's not over," and I felt a lot of peace. He also felt strangely peaceful about it. That didn't stop the barrage of questions and confusion that followed during Sacrament Meeting though.

From LDS.org, link to source

However, as I listened to the speakers, who spoke about Christ's love for us, I focused on what I did know, and made a list. It went something like this:

Faith

• The Lord doesn't lie
• He told Grig in the temple that we were going to get the job and the puppy
• I was told to trust in Grg. 
• I was told the Lord would deliver us if we had faith and patience.
• I felt good about Monday.
• Perhaps, we were told to wait so that we would get the right puppy from someone else, and if we weren't still open to it, we  would have missed the opportunity.

Grig looked at my list, and added:

• This may be another test for us and the owner of the puppies. Do we really want to be faithful, hopeful, and charitable?  

After church ended, I was feeling better, but I still didn't fully understand. I did feel however, that if we continued to have patience and faith that things would work out.

I told Grig's brother Allopex about what had happened. He told me he'd had a similar experience before, and he related it to me. He had received an answer that involved someone else, but because of the other person's choices, it hadn't happened. Afterward, he was confused, but the answer he'd received was something like: "Revelation doesn't change, but people can make their own choices."

I was grateful to him for sharing that. It eased my confusion. It is true that the Lord never forces people to do something. He always lets them make their own choices.

It's quite possible that we were meant to have this puppy, but because the seller reneged on our deal and sold it to someone else, that we aren't going to get this particular puppy. However, that doesn't invalidate the Lord's promise to us. The Lord doesn't lie, and I know that we will be guided to know what to do next.

We're just going to wait and see what happens in the next few days.

It should be exciting.

Mormon Monday: Patience, Faith, and Our New House

We are officially moved into our new home. All of our boxes are not unpacked and I still can't find Kevin's bedsheets, but most of the essentials have been found.

Kevin loves the new house!

On Friday the 6th of February, we closed the sale, but it turned out that we couldn't record until Monday, because the seller's papers hadn't been over-nighted on time. So, we were able to sign. However, we couldn't do anything until we found out what the sellers would allow us to do. Often they won't allow you to move in just in case something goes wrong. We had been planning to start cleaning the new house that night, but we didn't hear back about what we could do until later Friday evening.  So, Friday evening we tried to finish packing everything. It was kind of stressful not knowing, but things seemed to be working out, so I had faith. It wouldn't have mattered that much except that my parents were planning on picking up a few things from Idaho and helping us move over the weekend. Not being able to even put anything in the garage until Monday would have really messed up our plans.

However, we finally received permission to clean the house and move a few things into the garage, but we couldn't move anything into the house until the home was 'officially' ours on Monday. We informed my parents.

Saturday morning we had a miracle. We had decided that we were going to have to get an extra day with the uhaul, which the website had informed me would be an extra $40. We decided we would have to be okay with that, since we couldn't empty the truck until Monday. However, when my parents went to pick up the truck, they gave them the extra day for free! That was a huge blessing.

So, Saturday we went to the new house and cleaned until my parents came later in the afternoon with the moving van. We unloaded my parents' old piano, new washer, dryer, and dishwasher that we had purchased, and a few boxes of mine that they had brought from storage. Once the truck was empty, we took it over to our apartment and basically loaded everything up. There were a few things left when we were done, but the van was pretty much full. We had a lot of family help us out. My two younger brothers came, along with my younger sister and her boyfriend. Grig's brother came to assist as well. My grandma and grandpa also helped us out a lot, and cooked some meals for us. Everyone took turns taking care of Kevin.

Our garage full of boxes!

After we fished loading up and bought a lock for the uhaul door, we went to my grandparents' home and had dinner with them. They surprised me with a little birthday party. It wasn't my birthday yet, but my parents weren't going to be there for the actual day, so they had a cake and a present waiting for me. It was a nice surprise.

Honestly, I'd kind of forgotten about my birthday with everything else that was going on.

Happy birthday to me!

Once the party was over and my parents had left to travel back to Idaho, Grig and I were very tired. However, we mustered up some energy and went and shampooed the new carpets so they would be dry when we unloaded on Monday. Then we bug-bombed the uhaul and came back to my grandparents' home. They had kindly offered to let us stay with them over the weekend while all of our belongings were in the uhaul.

We had a nice relaxing Sabbath. Honestly, I think everyone should have a day off between moving. It makes the following day much less stressful. We went to church in our new ward and met a lot of awesome people. We even had a few volunteer to help us move the next day.

Monday, my grandma, my aunt, and I went and worked on cleaning out the old apartment. They were very kind to come and help me with it. They also loaned us their truck to put the last of our stuff in. I worked on the apartment all day, but by 2:30, we still hadn't gotten the go-ahead to move in. I was getting worried. We'd asked for help around 4:30, but if we didn't receive the official word that the home was ours, we wouldn't be able to unpack that day either.

Finallly, at 3:30, as we'd almost finished everything in the apartment, we received the word.

The house was ours! I finished up a couple more things and then drove over to meet Grig there as he got off work. We got the utilities put in our names, and at 4:30, everyone else showed up to help. We had quite a few people from our new ward, my grandparents, and my uncle's family. It went really quickly, and we were sure glad for the extra help when we had to move the piano, entertainment center, and washer and dryer downstairs. Soon, the trucks were unloaded, and we thanked everyone.

Our good friends came with our dogs (whom they had been tending) and dinner. We had a couple of problems with the new gas oven that came with the house, and trying to remove the dishwasher, but we finally quit for the night. We were going to try and finish up the other apartment, but by the time we finished eating with our neighbors, we had to get to bed. Grig had work the next morning at 4. So, we thanked our neighbors and traveled back to our new home. We set up the bed and slept in our new house for the first time!

Tuesday, I woke up at 4 with Grig and started unpacking. Then, at 8:30 a.m., Kevin and I returned the uhaul before it was due. My aunt picked us up from there in my grandparents' truck, and then we dropped her off at her house, and I went and finished cleaning out the apartment. My grandma came after a while and took Kevin, which made it a lot easier to finish cleaning. Basically, all I had left was the fridge and the kitchen floor. I finished quickly, and then I turned in our keys and said goodbye to our manager. She's been great!

Then, I went to my grandparents' home, and they loaded up the ladder and some lunch. We all drove back to our new house and they helped me clean out the rain gutters and install the dishwasher. It took a long time, and we didn't quite finish with the dishwasher by the time they had to leave. However, we got the old one taken out (which we had thought was a gas-dishwasher, but actually wasn't) and had almost finished installing the new one. We were just missing a part, which we got the next day.

The yard looks much better!

Wednesday, we finished the dishwasher and raked a bit. Kevin and Arkhon really enjoyed the backyard. Grig took me out for dinner that night to a place with really good Indian food.

Thursday, I cleaned out the old caulking on the tub rim and re-caulked the tub. We called and scheduled our internet to get set up, and that night we went shopping for a few things that we needed.

The dogs enjoy the leaf piles.

Friday, we had internet again! It was hard to be without it for a week. I hadn't realized how much of my budgeting depends on internet. In the afternoon, my grandparents came and helped us install the washer and dryer. It was sure nice to have appliances that worked! Grig also did a lot of pruning out side. We've had incredible weather this week! It's been in the high 60s. They joined us for lunch and that night we relaxed a little bit and enjoyed our new house. We also watched a movie. Grig has wanted to show me the 1962 version of Manchurian Candidate for a long time, so we finally watched it that night. It was very interesting and well-done.

Saturday we finished up a few more errands and unpacked a few more things. We had some friends come over for a little while too. Grig and I remembered vaguely that it was Valentine's Day, but we're having a dual Valentine's Day/Anniversary celebration soon.

Yesterday we had a pretty relaxing day. We went to our new ward again, and had a great time.

Sometimes it has been a week that has tried my faith and patience, but things had worked out well. I'm so grateful for our new house. We're making some good improvements, and it already looks a ton better! We love it here, and we've seen so many miracles as we've been directed to move here.

Also, we bought a new movie camera! Expect more videos soon!

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