Kind of the Last Foster Care Update

Wow. It’s been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened, and that’s been part of the problem. After my last blog post, I went and worked in Idaho until the second week of September. We weren’t sure if I should go work in Idaho this year, because we were waiting to hear from the foster care people, but after praying about it, both Grig and I received the answer, “Keep going and see what happens.” So, Kevin and I left Grig behind and went to work in Idaho.

Weeks passed and we didn’t hear anything. Then, on August 19, I drove my mom and younger brother to the airport to go and visit my sister who was about to have twins in Florida. I stayed in Utah for that entire week, and hoped and prayed that we would hear from the foster care people while I was home. 

It was a really good week to be home anyway. For one thing, Siff was in heat again, so it was nice that she wasn’t outside all day. For another, the foster care lady finally contacted us again and met with us on that Friday, the day before I was supposed to head back to Idaho.

It wasn’t good news. She told us that based upon Grig’s mental health evaluation (that he was asked to have because of trauma in his childhood), that they were going to deny our application. The frustrating thing is that no one will tell us what was the deciding factor during the mental health evaluation. The doctor told Grig that he’d have to ask the foster people, and the foster care people told us that the doctor would have to discuss it with us. So, we’re still a bit in the dark and it's been over a month since we received this news.

That was a pretty hard news to take. I was disappointed, but I knew I couldn’t let myself be too disappointed for Grig’s sake. I knew he already was blaming himself, and if I broke down about it, it would make his guilt worse. Besides, I married Grig, and he comes before everything. I wouldn’t change him, and I’m grateful for who he is. He is a wonderful father and husband, and I mostly feel bad because I know we could supply a safe haven to troubled children, and we're not going to be able to help.

However, I also know the Lord has a plan, but sometimes it’s hard to be patient and have faith. I’m sort of confused about some of the things that happened that made it seem like foster care was going to work out, like the cribs and extra beds that we were given.

We were told that we either need to withdraw our application or appeal the decision, but until we get the report from the doctor, we don’t know which course to take. We still haven’t been able to get a solid word from anyone.

Sometimes I get really sad, because I thought this was going to be the answer to our quest for a larger family, and the emptiness of a solo voice in our home occasionally breaks my heart. I am SO grateful for Kevin, but I also ache for him. He’ll never know what it’s like to have a close sibling and to grow up with a best friend near his same age. Sometimes, going home to visit my family hurts, because the memories come, and I know that Kevin will never have the childhood that I had; the childhood that I want for him.

At least he has the dogs, and they love him.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault, if God doesn’t trust me with any more of his children because I’m botching it as a mother. I know that's probably not the reason, but I can't help the little voice that occasionally whispers critical words to me.

This current trial reminds me of two experiences that when I think of them bring me a lot of hope.

One was on the mission I served for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Right after my trainer left me, I began training new Sister missionaries. I trained two new Sisters, and I thought that was my calling on the mission. I loved being a trainer. It helped me be a better missionary, because I had to be a good example for those I was training.

Then, after my second trainee, I was transferred to a new Sister, who had been in the mission basically as long as I had. I thought that I was being punished because I had been a bad trainer and the Lord no longer trusted me. For the first week with my new companion, I kept going over my time and wondering what I had done wrong. I felt awful, and I beat myself up about it.

However, that Sister became one of my best friends in the whole world. I am so grateful the Lord let me have the time that I did with her and didn’t give me what I thought I wanted. She changed my life, and the Lord knew exactly what I needed.

The other experience is more recent. Two years ago, after Dakota our older dog died, we found a Norwegian Elkhound puppy for sale. It was expensive, but it was the breed that Grig had always wanted us to get. We prayed about whether we should buy it, and we received a very conditional answer that if Grig got a raise at work, that we should get the puppy.

Well, time went on, and the puppy approached the age where it could leave its mother. However, Grig hadn't gotten the raise. Things kept happening that made us positive that we were getting a puppy, but we kept waiting on the raise. Finally, on a Saturday after the puppy was over 8 weeks, we told the kid who owned the pup that we would meet with him the next Monday. That Sunday, he sold the pup to someone else.

We were heartbroken. We had felt so strongly that we were supposed to get this puppy, and we couldn’t believe that we had lost it.

However, as I left the church that night, I thought, the Lord made us a promise, and he doesn’t break his promises. If this puppy is gone, He will provide another one for us.

The next morning, I looked online and was thrilled to discover that someone had just posted another litter of elkhound puppies. They were from a more reputable breeder and were far less expensive than the puppy we had initially been trying to get.

Grig got his raise, we got Siff, and I couldn’t be happier. She is an amazing dog. We wouldn’t trade her for anything.

So, even though I’m not sure how this journey is going to end, I had faith that the Lord has a plan that will be better for us. The feeling that I keep getting is that something big is coming that is going to be amazing. I just have to wait for it. So, I’m trying to have faith, patience, and trust, and find joy in the miracles that I have been given.

Heeding My Father's Counsel

When I was in high school, it suddenly became very important to me to find my own identity. As one of ten children and two older siblings, I wanted to be different, and to be distinguished by my own actions.

I didn't go crazy rebellious or anything, I just ended up applying and being accepted into a different college.

However, before I attended, my father asked me to consider a BYU Travel Study program to Nauvoo, Illinois. The only problem was...my sister had gone the previous year. Mainly for that reason, I balked at the idea. I didn't want to follow in my sister's footsteps and it was very hard for me to want to go.

However, my dad pulled out his killer phrase. "Why don't you pray about it?" he asked. Oh, how I didn't want to do that!

Usually, when my dad would say that, I would already know what the answer was. However, if I prayed and asked, I would actually have to do the answer, and in my stubborn state, I wanted to refuse. However, for some reason, I never could say no when my father asked me to do that.

I prayed, and I ended up going to BYU-Nauvoo. It was among the best four months of my life. I had often been very lonely in high school. I had many friends, but I felt that I had no close ones. It was probably my own fault; the few really close friends I'd had from my childhood had moved away, and I felt that when you really let people in, they would leave. I really wanted the kind of friend that I could tell anything to and who always wanted to spend time with me (and who wouldn't leave).

I'm sure every child hungers for that kind of relationship. When I spoke to my mother about it, she told me the comforting words: "You may not get that kind of relationship until you're married."

It actually wasn't very comforting.

However, at BYU-Nauvoo, I found a group of friends who accepted all of me, even the strange, random bits, and loved them! I have never laughed so much in my life, and I don't think I had ever been as happy. It was my first college experience, and I loved it!

I was so grateful that I had heeded my father's counsel. I don't know if I ever told him that, but if not...

Thank you, Dad.

My dad's a pretty great guy. 

Then, a few years later, I was trying to make a major life decision. I was trying to decide whether I should take a full-time job offer and change to night school, or if I should keep working on my two part-time jobs and continue going to school full-time. I was nearly finished with my bachelor's degree, and I wasn't sure what to do.

As I spoke to my father about it, he again counseled me. "Why don't you pray about going on a mission?" he asked.

I was turning 21 in the next few months, and so I said, "Sure, why not? I'll throw that in there too."

As usual, it was my father's counsel that turned out to be the correct choice. I left school, with only a year left before I would have become a Veterinary Assistant, I went on a mission to San Antonio, Texas.

Again, it was one of the best decisions of my life. I made some very close friends, and I am so grateful for the things that I learned. While on the mission, I decided to switch majors to Elementary Education, and I was told to switch colleges by my Heavenly Father. I did so, and not only my life, but some of my close friends were affected positively by that decision.

I met Grig and was able to marry him for time and all eternity.

I don't know why I felt like I should share this today, except that I am so grateful for a righteous father who's counsel has been inspired. I think sometimes, that we forget that parents have our best interests in mind, and we fight tooth and nail to choose our own path.

However, when we heed the counsel of our earthly and Heavenly Father, we are truly blessed. I am still very close with the friends I made in Nauvoo and on the mission. I have often received counsel from my Heavenly Father that has been at odds with what I wanted to do, but as I bend my will and listen to Him, I am always happier and I experience blessings that I never would have thought possible.

Some people have to wait until they're married to find a best friend. I am so blessed that I have had several, and I am still close to them. We don't live next door, but no matter how much time passes, the relationship feels the same when I see them again.

I am now married to my very best friend, and I am so grateful for Grig. I am also learning to heed the counsel of my children's father, and he is very wise. We are picking up a new puppy in a couple of days, and a lot of that is due to inspiration that my husband received. I am so grateful that I was told to listen and to heed his inspiration as well. It's not always easy, but it is so worth it!

Twin Mission Homecoming

On Tuesday, my sister came home from her mission. Her twin, my other younger sister, had also been out on a mission, but due to health problems with her knee had to come home early.

Tomorrow, we are traveling to Idaho to hear them talk about their missions and to see them again. I'm pretty excited to see them, but they sure have changed since they were little.

Sometimes I think that this is how I remember them best:

They sure have changed since 1997, when this image was taken. When they were little they had super curly hair, and they were pretty funny. I loved being able to have a baby on each hip and feeling really strong. 

One of the memories that I laugh about now, if when I was in 4th or 5th grade and it was  Valentine's Day. I really loved candy when I was a kid, and I knew that this was going to be the last year that all of my classmates gave me goodies. 

I intended to eat the candy that I received slowly, so I could savor this final Valentine's gift. I knew I was unlikely to ever receive such a wonderful horde again, so I rationed out how much I was going to eat and how long I was going to make it last. 

It seems pretty silly now, but for some reason is meant a lot to me at the time. 

So, when I came home from school to find that all my candy had been eaten by the twins, I was super angry. I raged and I cried and didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive them for eating my precious candy. 

I'm over it, though I think I terrified them for a while. I had a pretty good temper when I was a kid. 

Hopefully that isn't the only memory of me that they have. 

It will be good to visit with family. I miss them when I don't see them for a while. My sister-in-law, who has decided to be called Argent, is staying with our dogs over the weekend, so we can travel without our puking puppy. That's very kind of her. 

On Wednesday, I called home and one of the twins answered the phone. I knew the younger twin wasn't coming home until Thursday night, so I talked to the older one for a while. Suddenly, the sister I was talking to stopped and asked me if I knew who I was talking to. I told her, and she laughed. I was actually talking to the younger twin. She had come home on Tuesday night, and not Thursday night. I was pretty glad I'd called home, even though I'd had the dates wrong. It was good to talk to her over the phone. 

We look forward to seeing both of them tomorrow. 

Mormon Monday: Why I Went on a Mission

The other day, I was talking to my cousin who had just received a mission call to Mexico. I asked her if she was excited, and she admitted that she was pretty nervous. I then asked her why she wanted to go on a mission.

She said she didn't know, and turned the question back onto me. Why had I decided to go on a mission?

Here is the story, and the reason that I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Even as a missionary, I really connected with people through their animals.

In 2007, I was beginning to rethink my life. I had begun to doubt my decision to go to vet school. For a long time, I had been planning to become a vet "if" I didn't get married. However, as I worked for a vet, worked at the zoo, pet-sat, walked dogs, and worked with livestock, I began to realize that there are many other things I could do besides be a vet.  Really, I just wanted to work with animals.  However, I was becoming pretty sure that I didn't want to deal with other people's sick animals my whole life. It could be pretty depressing.

One experience that really affected me was one time when I assisting with a cat spay. The cat was very fat, which wasn't unusual, but as we opened her up, we realized that she wasn't fat after all. She was pregnant. We called up the owners to make sure that they wanted us to continue, and when they gave us the go-ahead, we aborted those kittens. I could literally see the moment when the life left those tiny bodies. It affected me very deeply, and make me rethink what I wanted to do the rest of my life.

I also had some strange tremors in my muscles that occurred randomly and seemingly without cause. With the shaking in my hands, I wondered if I would even be capable of performing the needed surgeries. I loved my jobs and the experiences and lessons that I was learning, but I just wasn't sure in which direction I was supposed to go.

About this time, my dad had suggested that I think about serving a mission. I was considering this as well, and was starting to feel pretty good about the option. I was also contemplating switching to English major, when I received an e-mail from my zoo supervisor.  He told me that he wanted to meet with me.  I agreed and Friday afternoon, because I got off the vet job early, I went to the zoo to talk to him.  He informed me that one of the full-time workers was leaving and he wondered if I would like his job.  I was deeply honored, especially when he told me that he really liked the way that I was so willing to do whatever was needed, and how hard of a worker I was.  I told him I didn't think it would work with my school schedule, since I was taking 16 credits this semester, and I was thinking of going on a mission next summer.  He told me he would like it more long term, but he would like me think about it since it was a life-changing thing.  He suggested I could also go down to 6 credits a semester.

I went home feeling pleased but nervous.  His praise had made me feel really good, and it was a job I definitely wouldn't mind doing.  The huge money increase wouldn't be bad either.  However, I would have to quit my other job, and less credit hours of school meant more years of school. It also would effectively erase my social life, since I would probably end up taking evening and night classes.

I struggled with this decision for the rest of the week.  I called Dad as soon as I got home and told him what had happened.  Mom called that afternoon and I told her as well.  They both reminded me that it was fast Sunday and I needed to pray about this decision.  Dad seemed a little unsure about the idea, while Mom seemed pretty enthusiastic about it.  Its good to have parents with different opinions.  I prayed and read scriptures, trying keep myself in tune so that I could hear and understand the answer when it came. While I was praying about it, Dad suggested that I pray about going on a mission too. I thought, "Sure, I'll just throw that in there as well."

I worked that weekend at the zoo and the idea of working there full-time was constantly in my mind, making me slightly stressed and also excited.  Pro’s and con’s jumped at me from every direction and I knew that this was a huge moment in my two decades of life.

During lunch, I randomly opened the scriptures and it fell to D&C 88:74-86, which reads:

 74 And I give unto you, who are the first laborers in this last kingdom, a commandment that you assemble yourselves together, and organize yourselves, and prepare yourselves, and sanctify yourselves; yea, purify your hearts, and cleanse your hands and your feet before me, that I may make you clean;

 75 That I may testify unto your Father, and your God, and my God, that you are clean from the blood of this wicked generation; that I may fulfil this promise, this great and last promise, which I have made unto you, when I will.

 76 Also, I give unto you a commandment that ye shall continue in prayer and fasting from this time forth.

 77 And I give unto you a commandment that you shall teach one another the doctrine of the kingdom.

 78 Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand;

 79 Of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and of kingdoms—

 80 That ye may be prepared in all things when I shall send you again to magnify the calling whereunto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you.

 81 Behold, I sent you out to testify and warn the people, and it becometh every man who hath been warned to warn his neighbor.

 82 Therefore, they are left without excuse, and their sins are upon their own heads.

 83 He that seeketh me early shall find me, and shall not be forsaken.

 84 Therefore, tarry ye, and labor diligently, that you may be perfected in your ministry to go forth among the Gentiles for the last time, as many as the mouth of the Lord shall name, to bind up the law and seal up the testimony, and to prepare the saints for the hour of judgment which is to come;

 85 That their souls may escape the wrath of God, the desolation of abomination which awaits the wicked, both in this world and in the world to come. Verily, I say unto you, let those who are not the first elders continue in the vineyard until the mouth of the Lord shall call them, for their time is not yet come; their garments are not clean from the blood of this generation.

 86 Abide ye in the liberty wherewith ye are made free; entangle not yourselves in sin, but let your hands be clean, until the Lord comes.

As I read over these scriptures, I felt like I had received my answer. I need to go on a mission. I continued to read and study the scriptures, and every time I randomly opened them, I landed on a verse about missionary work. I also received some other counsel on how to prepare before I left.  I became positive that I was supposed to go on a mission.  I also felt that the time wasn't right for me to take that job.

Leaving those two jobs and my schooling was a large sacrifice. I love my employers and my duties. I enjoyed every aspect of work, and the experiences I had while I was there helped me to mature and grow into a much better person.

However, I wanted to do what the Lord wanted me to do. In my case, that meant that I was supposed to leave my family, friends, school, and work for 18 months to serve my Father in Heaven.

Not everyone is meant to serve a mission, but I needed it. The mission did something incredible for me. The difficulties I faced ripped me apart, showed me my weaknesses, and then showed me how Christ had made it possible to fix them. I am so grateful for the inspiration that I was given at that time that guided me to the next step of my journey through life.

This is the time I dented the curtain at the church when we were playing soccer. That's a story for another time.

All the things I had learned before the mission became useful. I made incredible life-long friends, and my testimony of Jesus Christ flourished and grew.

It was on my mission that I was given inspiration to know where I should go to school when I returned and what I should study. Thanks to that, I met my husband and am now happily married with a degree in elementary education. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. That's a comforting thing, and we've been so blessed because of it.

The miracle is, this doesn't just work for me. The Lord wants to guide all of our lives, and He introduces us to people that will help us to make decisions that will bring us happiness and peace. I testify that these things are true, and I am so grateful to have His guiding light in my life.

The Lord has missions for all of us, and it is our responsibility to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. It's a life-long journey, and though it isn't always easy, it is totally worth the effort.

Relearning Spanish

As of yesterday, I was suddenly overcome with the desire to brush up my Spanish (i.e. relearn it). I learned Spanish during my mission to San Antonio, Texas, but I never really got an opportunity to be completely immersed in it. I shouldn't complain, after all, I was able to serve in an area where I did get to practice my Spanish, and my mission was rife with opportunity to speak the language. I am grateful for those opportunities.

I have used Spanish pretty consistently since then. When I worked at a gas station/farm store after my mission, I often was called to talk to people in Spanish and figure out what they needed. My Spanish is less than adequate, but I was always able to figure out what they wanted and with the Spanish I knew (plus gestures), I was able to help them understand our response to their questions and assist them with what they wanted.

After all, they never taught us how to say pheasant on my mission. ;)

On our honeymoon, one of the places we visited was Cozumel, Mexico. The people there really liked me because I spoke to them in their own language. They gave us some incredible deals and were very helpful. I think they were surprised that I was trying. I guess most tourists don't do that.

Now that we live in Utah, I get to use my Spanish occasionally as well. We have free public transportation here, and often when I use the bus I get to sit by people who only speak Spanish and talk to them.

However, my greatest struggle with Spanish is the grammar. I never learned it really well, and though I know quite a few words, I often confuse people with my incorrect placement of words.

We kind of want to raise Kevin to be bilingual. However, if we're going to do that, I need to start speaking it more and correctly. My dad speaks Spanish really well, and four out of the ten kids have served Spanish-speaking missions. I have opportunities to practice that I need to take. The hard thing is fear. I like talking to native Spanish speakers, because they are always so nice about it. Even though I know they're nice, it's pleasant to hear that my Spanish is wonderful.

However, in order to improve it, I need to talk to people who will criticize my Spanish and help me know when I'm saying things wrong. I'm also working on reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish. I've heard that helps, and it's true. As I started this morning, I was surprised to find the knowledge coming back to me rather quickly. I was able to comprehend what I was reading after only a few minutes.

That was encouraging.

Maybe my Spanish isn't as bad as I thought, but at any rate, there is room for improvement.

Maybe I have too many goals.

On another note, I finished animating the next Dragon and the Wolf, and I've started adding sounds to the animation. I don't think I'm going to finish it by tonight though. You'll have to watch it when we get back!

!Ciao!

Pride and Asthma

Growing up, I never had a problem with asthma. There are people in my family who had it, but I was blessed to never have an issue with it.

However, when I went on my mission in 2008, I suddenly found myself with difficulty breathing. Someone told me that Austin, Texas is the allergen capital of the world, and in my case it seemed to have been true. As missionaries, you are encouraged to exercise early in the morning, and my companion loved to run, so we would go out fairly early to run through the safe neighborhood that we lived in.

The first week I was there, it felt like I could run forever. I grew up in a high-altitude state, and so you would usually run short of breath before your muscles began to ache. However, in Texas, I could breathe and run and run and my muscles gave out before my air did.

At least, that's the way it was for the first week.

Then, suddenly, I found myself wheezing when I ran. It was a bizarre thing. This continued on and off during my 19 month mission in Texas. Some months I would be just fine, and other times I would struggle to breathe. My companions would often encourage me to go to the doctor, but I would brush off their advice with a bit of stubborn willfulness. (I actually am quite stubborn, in case you didn't know. This is especially true where matters of health are concerned. I don't like to go to the doctor unless I'm dying.)

Some seasons my asthma would be nonexistent, and others it would be awful. When I got hom from my mission and returned to school, my breathing only got worse. For that semester, I was wheezing and struggling to breathe nearly constantly. This really stressed one of my roommates out, and finally I was convinced to go to the doctor's and get my breathing checked out.

They tested me and gave me an inhaler. What a wonderful device! Suddenly, I could breathe again, and I didn't realize how much I had missed that.

I still don't have to use it constantly. This spring season seems to be kind of awful for me, but generally I don't have to use the inhaler at all. This is why I'm pretty sure my asthma is allergy induced as opposed to exercise.

Isn't it funny what our pride will do to us? It is so simple to have an inhaler, and no one judges me because I have a shortness of breath. Why was I so stubborn about it? I'm much happier when I can breathe, and I rather like being able to do so. The people around me are happier when I can breathe too,

I wonder what other areas of my life I'm not 'breathing' in because of stubborn pride. Where am I not seeking the help I need because I don't want to go see the person who could help me?

Breathing is kind of a vital thing. It was no one's fault but my own that I wasn't able to do it. There is a reason the Savior spoke out against pride.

It can kill us if we're not careful.

Visiting Friends

Starting tomorrow and including next week, I'm going to go visit some friends that I haven't seen in a long time.

This weekend, I'm going to visit my friends that I met in Nauvoo, Illinois. This is probably the first group of friends I ever had. We're haven't seen each other in years, but in a friendship like this, it doesn't really matter. I'm super excited to go and see them and to catch up on their lives and what they've been up to.

Next weekend, I have a mission reunion on Friday, and then a mini companion reunion on Saturday. I'm excited for three of these events, and I'm grateful that everything is being held relatively close. I'm excited to see my mission president again, as well as friends that I made on the mission.

I just find it kind of ironic that after years of not seeing anyone, everyone decides to have get-togethers within the same couple of weeks. We should be okay money-wise, because there is another pay period starting next weekend.

I'm pretty grateful for these opportunities to see some friends of mine, and I'm grateful to a loving husband who is willing to travel with me to meet them. Grig is pretty awesome, and I really want those I love to get to know him too. I think they'll get along swimmingly.

General Conference for our church is also coming up. Next weekend is women's conference and the weekend after that the Brethren speak to us. I've been looking forward to this for months. It's one of my favorite weekends, because it is always a spiritual feast. I'm eager to know what the Brethren have to tell us.

Can't wait for them to meet this little guy!

It's more friends that I'm looking forward to seeing after what feels like a long time!