Things are Moving Forward

*Note: For those who are new to my blog, we do use pseudonyms. Grig is my husband and Kevin is our son.

So, I haven't posted in a long time. I really have a lot I want to talk about, and one of the biggest things is a vacation that we just returned from. However, that isn't what I wanted to share today.

This article might be TMI for some people, so feel free not to read it if fertility type stuff makes you uncomfortable,but I wanted to share what's been going on with our fertility attempts and some news we just received. I have tried to be discreet, but I've got a partially medical background, so some things don't bother me that bother other people.

I've posted before that we've had difficulty having more children. We also haven't been able to do much in the way of fertility treatments, for a variety of reasons, including a distinct lack of money. I think I was also in partial denial that anything was wrong with me. I mean, Kevin was so easy, right?

However, we have been gradually trying to do a few things. Over a year ago, I reached a very important mile-mark for me. I dropped below 200 pounds! It took over a year to lose nearly 25 pounds, and I was very excited. However, the next month I tried Clomid. Between the months of December and March (which was when I was taking the clomid) I gained those thirty pounds back that I had lost. It was very discouraging. It really made it hard for me to want to try any fertility medications again.

However, within the last few months I've been babysitting some fantastic kids and Grig's job has been going well. I had a check-up, and the doctor suggested that we try femara, which is normally a breast-cancer drug, but can also be used for fertility. He also wanted me to come in twelve days after my cycle started so we could do an ultrasound and see how things were developing.

Meanwhile, we also had Grig checked, and everything was normal on his end. That was also good to know.

It was last month that we had the first ultrasound. My ovaries looked like spider webs (my description, and one the doctor said he had never heard before). There were lots of little follicles, but none were dominantly developing into eggs. At that moment, the doctor told me that I have polycystic ovary syndrome, otherwise know as PCOS. This wasn't devastating news for me. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The thing that I had been praying for before I went into the doctor's that day, was that they would be able to know what was wrong and why we hadn't been able to have children. I was so relieved to finally know why. It also explained a lot of symptoms that I've had for a long-time that are all directly tied to this syndrome (including weight gain and a difficulty losing the weight).

Here's a quick snippet about PCOS:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs.
The exact cause of PCOS is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

If you want to know more, feel free to follow this link.

As the doctor went on to explain a bit about this syndrome, I was also encouraged to hear that there are a lot of treatments for it, including clomid and femara.  The clomid hadn't worked for me, and the femara didn't appear to be helping yet, so he prescribed me a double dose for the next month. I was to take it, and return again twelve days after my cycle started for another ultrasound to see if it was working.

Yesterday, I returned. I had a longer wait in the room this time, which gave me some time to get nervous. I also did some praying. I pleaded that this time, the drug would work, so we would be able to have more children.

After about twenty minutes, the doctor came in, and the ultrasound began. My endometrial layer, which evidently had been very thin the first time was much thicker this time. That was good news, according to the doctor. Then, we got to my ovaries, instead of spiderwebs, with lots of tiny holes, there were two very large circles on the left, and one large circle on the right. My follicles were developing into three dominant eggs! I asked him if that meant twins (or triplets), and he said, "Not necessarily, but it does give you really good chances of getting pregnant when you have a dominant one on both sides."

I can't tell you the amount of excitement I feel. This doesn't mean were guaranteed to get pregnant this month, but it's definitely a step in the right direction and an answer to my prayers. I'm feeling more hope than I've felt in a long time.

Even though this has been really difficult for us, I also feel like it's part of the Lord's plan for our family. I feel like a lot of things have happened that needed to happen before we had more children. The foster care classes were fantastic, even though we never ended up with any foster children (at least not yet). They taught us how to become better parents. We've also learned a lot of really important lessons and made friends with a lot of incredible people that we probably wouldn't have gotten to know if I wasn't trying to find friends for Kevin to play with.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the many things we have been blessed with. We've had so many miracles recently, most of which I won't share, and this news is only part of it. I'm so grateful for my husband and for our son. I've learned a lot from our five-year-old, and am looking forward to him hopefully becoming a big brother soon. It was interesting to learn that I've had this syndrome since puberty, and that means that Kevin's birth was a miracle, too.

Most people want to have careers and become something, but the only thing I've ever wanted with every fiber of my being was to be a mother. I graduated from and loved college, but motherhood was always in the back of my mind. Kevin fulfilled that dream in ways I'm so grateful for, but I've dreamed of a large family since I was little, and during the last five years, it has been difficult to realize that my plan for my future wasn't the same as God's plan for our family.

One thing I have learned though, is that His plan is better, and the more that I try and listen, the happier I am. I have found so many reasons to be happy, even during those times when I felt like hope was shriveling inside of me.

I pray that this helps someone in their own journey. All of us experience different hardships, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for everyone. It's usually not what we want, but it always turns out better than we had hoped for as long as we try to listen and live the best that we know how.

We'll try and post more frequently. Thanks for reading!

The Norwegian Elkhound Siff's 2nd Birthday Video

Halloween 2017

2013

2014

2015

2016

 Halloween 2017

Halloween was fantastic this year. When I was workingup in Idaho, I asked Kevin what he wanted to be for Halloween. He thought for a moment, and said, “Hmmm...I know! I want to be a ball!”

Trying to be supportive, while thinking of how difficult a ball costume would be, I said, “That’s a great idea, Kevin, but let me give you some more options so you know what’s available. You could be a monster, a dinosaur, a pirate, a tiger...”

Interrupting my list, he exclaimed, “I know what I want to be!”

“What?” I asked, not sure what to expect.

“A rocket ship,” he pronounced proudly.

Whatever I had been expecting, that was not it. However, he had made up his mind, so I began to look at costume designs. Before I could really invest a lot of time and effort, I decided to see if anyone sold rocket ship costumes. It turned out that there was one available for a good price. Pleased, Grig and I decided to buy Kevin’s costume this year.

2017

So, for Halloween 2017, Kevin became a rocket ship. I have no idea where he got the idea, but it was a fun and unique costume.

Meanwhile, Grig worked on his Bruce Willis from Unbreakable costume. He had to paint the right words on the back of a rain poncho, and that ended up taking a while, but we managed to complete it in time.

I bought a pair of pointy ears and wore my black cloak. I decided I was an elf. The dogs didn’t dress up this year. I just didn’t have the motivation for a lot of things. We didn’t do a Halloween party this year either, we went up to Idaho to attend my brother’s instead.

That was a lot of fun, and I was able to help my dad go through some of his Halloween stuff. He was kind enough to give me some that he didn’t want anymore.

On the way back, we stopped by my grandma's house and my cousins helped Kevin carve a pumpkin. He said that was one of his favorite parts of Halloween.

We also went through the Pumpkin Walk, and Kevin was one of the few kids dressed up, so he created a bit of a stir. It was really fun though, even though it was pretty cold. We didn’t go to the Fall Festival this year, which was too bad, but we were pretty busy anyway.

Kevin seemed to really enjoy trick-or-treating. Our ward didn’t have a trunk-or-treat, but my walking friend invited us to go to hers with her family. It was good to see them. They moved a couple of months ago, so we haven’t been walking with her lately. That’s made it more difficult for me to get out and walking.

After the trunk-or-treat, we stopped by the young single adult ward for a Halloween party. It was fun, but I was a little disappointed that they didn't have a haunted house in the basement this time. Kevin really enjoyed that last year...after he got over his initial fright.

Before we went trick-or-treating, we went to my grandparent's house and had a little Halloween party with my cousins. They fed us some healthy food, and then we drove home quickly so we could get Kevin out before it was too late.

He came back with quite a bit of candy, and we had a few trick-or-treaters drop by our door, though not as many as I would have liked. I think we would have had more, but it was a school night.

All in all, I think it was a successful Halloween. Kevin enjoyed himself, and it is really fun to have a kid old enough to pick his own costumes.

In case you can't tell, we also spent some time messing with the facebook messenger filters. 

Kind of the Last Foster Care Update

Wow. It’s been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened, and that’s been part of the problem. After my last blog post, I went and worked in Idaho until the second week of September. We weren’t sure if I should go work in Idaho this year, because we were waiting to hear from the foster care people, but after praying about it, both Grig and I received the answer, “Keep going and see what happens.” So, Kevin and I left Grig behind and went to work in Idaho.

Weeks passed and we didn’t hear anything. Then, on August 19, I drove my mom and younger brother to the airport to go and visit my sister who was about to have twins in Florida. I stayed in Utah for that entire week, and hoped and prayed that we would hear from the foster care people while I was home. 

It was a really good week to be home anyway. For one thing, Siff was in heat again, so it was nice that she wasn’t outside all day. For another, the foster care lady finally contacted us again and met with us on that Friday, the day before I was supposed to head back to Idaho.

It wasn’t good news. She told us that based upon Grig’s mental health evaluation (that he was asked to have because of trauma in his childhood), that they were going to deny our application. The frustrating thing is that no one will tell us what was the deciding factor during the mental health evaluation. The doctor told Grig that he’d have to ask the foster people, and the foster care people told us that the doctor would have to discuss it with us. So, we’re still a bit in the dark and it's been over a month since we received this news.

That was a pretty hard news to take. I was disappointed, but I knew I couldn’t let myself be too disappointed for Grig’s sake. I knew he already was blaming himself, and if I broke down about it, it would make his guilt worse. Besides, I married Grig, and he comes before everything. I wouldn’t change him, and I’m grateful for who he is. He is a wonderful father and husband, and I mostly feel bad because I know we could supply a safe haven to troubled children, and we're not going to be able to help.

However, I also know the Lord has a plan, but sometimes it’s hard to be patient and have faith. I’m sort of confused about some of the things that happened that made it seem like foster care was going to work out, like the cribs and extra beds that we were given.

We were told that we either need to withdraw our application or appeal the decision, but until we get the report from the doctor, we don’t know which course to take. We still haven’t been able to get a solid word from anyone.

Sometimes I get really sad, because I thought this was going to be the answer to our quest for a larger family, and the emptiness of a solo voice in our home occasionally breaks my heart. I am SO grateful for Kevin, but I also ache for him. He’ll never know what it’s like to have a close sibling and to grow up with a best friend near his same age. Sometimes, going home to visit my family hurts, because the memories come, and I know that Kevin will never have the childhood that I had; the childhood that I want for him.

At least he has the dogs, and they love him.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault, if God doesn’t trust me with any more of his children because I’m botching it as a mother. I know that's probably not the reason, but I can't help the little voice that occasionally whispers critical words to me.

This current trial reminds me of two experiences that when I think of them bring me a lot of hope.

One was on the mission I served for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Right after my trainer left me, I began training new Sister missionaries. I trained two new Sisters, and I thought that was my calling on the mission. I loved being a trainer. It helped me be a better missionary, because I had to be a good example for those I was training.

Then, after my second trainee, I was transferred to a new Sister, who had been in the mission basically as long as I had. I thought that I was being punished because I had been a bad trainer and the Lord no longer trusted me. For the first week with my new companion, I kept going over my time and wondering what I had done wrong. I felt awful, and I beat myself up about it.

However, that Sister became one of my best friends in the whole world. I am so grateful the Lord let me have the time that I did with her and didn’t give me what I thought I wanted. She changed my life, and the Lord knew exactly what I needed.

The other experience is more recent. Two years ago, after Dakota our older dog died, we found a Norwegian Elkhound puppy for sale. It was expensive, but it was the breed that Grig had always wanted us to get. We prayed about whether we should buy it, and we received a very conditional answer that if Grig got a raise at work, that we should get the puppy.

Well, time went on, and the puppy approached the age where it could leave its mother. However, Grig hadn't gotten the raise. Things kept happening that made us positive that we were getting a puppy, but we kept waiting on the raise. Finally, on a Saturday after the puppy was over 8 weeks, we told the kid who owned the pup that we would meet with him the next Monday. That Sunday, he sold the pup to someone else.

We were heartbroken. We had felt so strongly that we were supposed to get this puppy, and we couldn’t believe that we had lost it.

However, as I left the church that night, I thought, the Lord made us a promise, and he doesn’t break his promises. If this puppy is gone, He will provide another one for us.

The next morning, I looked online and was thrilled to discover that someone had just posted another litter of elkhound puppies. They were from a more reputable breeder and were far less expensive than the puppy we had initially been trying to get.

Grig got his raise, we got Siff, and I couldn’t be happier. She is an amazing dog. We wouldn’t trade her for anything.

So, even though I’m not sure how this journey is going to end, I had faith that the Lord has a plan that will be better for us. The feeling that I keep getting is that something big is coming that is going to be amazing. I just have to wait for it. So, I’m trying to have faith, patience, and trust, and find joy in the miracles that I have been given.

Family Reunions

Over the last couple of weekends, we've had a couple family reunions. A lot happened, so I'll just share some of the best stories.

Playing at the sand dunes

During the first reunion, I took Kevin and his cousin out on a canoe ride. I was on one end, and they were on the other end. We made it all the way through the channels to the second pond, but on our way back, we got lodged against the side of the reeds.

Just as I pushed away, my two passengers shifted and the canoe tipped over, dumping all three of us into the water. It wasn’t that deep. Kevin's cousin could easily touch the ground, but he started freaking out. He grabbed my elbow and dangled from it, all the while yelling, “I don’t want the leeches to get me!”

It was pretty hilarious, though I was trying to get the canoe turned back over and dumped out. So, I told him, “You’ve got to let go, so I can get us out of the water.” Meanwhile, Kevin was just floating in his life jacket with this look that said, “Why is he freaking out? Should I be freaking out too?”

We eventually got back in the boat and everyone was fine. I bruised my foot a little, and had a small leech on my leg, but I flicked it off. I paddled us back to shore, and we all got out. It was pretty entertaining.

Visiting Mesa Falls, Arkhon was there too, he was just being walked by a cousin

Between the two reunions, we stayed in Idaho, and I had two new nieces born during the week. That was pretty exciting. We also watched fireworks and played with cousins. It was cheaper for us to take the whole week as vacation time than to drive back and forth between the two states, so we stayed and hung out.

4th of July Fireworks

On the 5th of July, I needed some alone time. So, I went outside to think for a while. I was outside when a car came driving up. Thinking that it would just drive by, I ducked under one of the pine trees, because I didn’t want to look like a creeper just standing in front of the house. However, instead of driving past, the car stopped and parked. I didn’t know what to do, so I just stayed under the tree. I was wearing dark clothes, so I knew I couldn't be seen. I just thought it would be super awkward if I popped out, so I didn't move.

Playing at Grandpa's school

The driver turned out to be my younger brother, and he was confused when he saw a female figure walk toward the front door and disappear. When he got inside, he asked who had just come in, and they told him that no one had. He was pretty sure he had seen a ghost. That was pretty funny. We got things cleared up, but we all had a pretty good laugh.

During the second reunion, Kevin was playing with his cousin. Randomly he walked up to him and said, "Zazzy Poopy Sucker." He probably thought it was hilarious, but instead of laughing, his cousin reared back and punched him in the gut. Both of them were 4, and he wasn't seriously hurt, but he was pretty sad. We talked to his cousin about it, and he said, "But...but...he wasn't being appropriate."
Then we talked about how even if he wan't being appropriate, you still shouldn't punch someone in the gut. We asked him to come tell us next time if Kevin was being inappropriate instead of hitting him. He agreed to do so.

We probably are terrible people for this, but we thought it was pretty funny.

Kevin with his great-grandma 

We had a really great time, and it was nice to get away for a while. Things might be happening finally with foster care. The final paperwork has finally gotten to the office, so hopefully we'll know more soon.