Unreasonable Expectations

Taking others for granted is never something we try to do, it just happens.

I think we all like to be comfortable. We like people to act in certain predictable ways, and nothing upsets us more than when someone does something unexpectedly unpleasant.

It is difficult for us to look at things from other people's perspectives and understand why they do the things they do. Even if we are told the reasons, we often still don't understand or empathize with them. It is so much easier to look down on someone and see the right answer when you aren't the one asking the question.

No one deserves to be taken for granted. Even if I'm married to Grig for a hundred years, I still want to be surprised by him and I want to learn more about him. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I often still have overly-high expectations for what I want him to accomplish.

I'm starting to realize that what I want my husband to do doesn't really matter. I should be trying to find out what he wants to do, what his goals are, and then support him in his efforts to attain them. If he's always trying to fulfill my expectations, he will never be happy with himself.

Someone once told me that when a man and a woman go into marriage, they should talk about their expectations for each other before hand. Sometimes we think that we don't have expectations for other people, but that just isn't true. We expect people to behave a certain way in public, and when they don't behave that way, we quickly judge them or criticize them.

People often have extenuating circumstances that we had cannot possibly be aware of. I'm not saying that we should excuse all behavior, but it is important to try and see things from other people's perspectives.

When Grig and I were talking about marriage, we discussed our expectations for each other. I expected him to have a job and to provide for our family. He told me that he expected me to be a good mother and to raise our son in righteousness. We felt like those were reasonable expectations to have.

Then we talked about what we expected from ourselves. My list was much longer than his list. I have very high expectations of what I think I should be doing, and I am often disappointed when I don't accomplish those goals. This can be very frustrating for me.

Grig, on the other hand, had a more laid-back view on what he should be getting done. I don't know if this is a typical man/woman relationship, but I get the feeling that it is. It is probably one of the things that make men and women so compatible with each other. We help to balance each other out.

I like to be very structured and to get things done. Grig likes to have "planned unplanned time" where he can relax and do what he wants. We've worked on getting both thing accomplished. Neither way is the better way, it is just different ways of doing things.

As I've come to understand my own unreasonable expectations for others, I've learned to let things go. People can't fulfill your expectations if they don't even know what they are, and really they shouldn't be obligated to do so. People are too busy trying to figure out what they expect from themselves, and to accomplish those things. I believe that the majority of people are trying to do what's right, and if we gave them half a chance, they would do it.

Though there is a loud group of people who want to do bad things, the quiet majority still continue to try and be true to what they believe is moral and good.

Allowing others to be true to their beliefs while showing love and understanding of their different views and cultures is a way that we can come to understand each other. Don't take those closest to you for granted. Everyone has hidden layers that protect them and things that they are striving to accomplish. Help others accomplish their own goals instead of creating goals for them to accomplish.

It will cause you less stress anyway.

You Usually Get What You're Expecting....Unless You're Expecting Perfection

I had this set of images come into my head last night.

Two men were sitting in the brush in some foreign country.  They were watching some natives go about their business.  Both men were aware that the natives knew they were there, and they were trying to analyze what the natives were going to do next.

The first man said to the person with him, "They're going to attack!" He quickly pulled out the revolver and prepared himself.

The other man said, "They're friendly.  They won't hurt us." He then sat down by a tree and waited.

At that moment, the natives came through the bushes and attacked the man who had his revolver out.  He ended up being overwhelmed by numbers and killed.

The other man was slowly approached, and he and the natives quickly became friends.

In my mind, the natives had seen the man pull out his gun and deemed him a threat.  He caused his own expectations by preparing for them to be aggressive.

The other man had seen the good in the tribe.  He waited, and the people of the country decided he was not a threat.  His expectations were also fulfilled by his actions.

Why was I thinking about this?

When you meet someone new, a lot of times we decide they are going to be a certain way.  If a friend is introducing you to a new friend and they've told you all sorts of wonderful things about the person, you probably are going to have good expectations for this new friend.  If we are looking for the best in others, we are going to find good things about them.  It is easy to find a quality that you admire or love in another person if that is what you are expecting out of them. 

On the other hand, if the whole office has been gossiping negatively about the new kid, you are likely to have poor expectations when you meet them, and because none of us are perfect, it is also equally easy to find terrible qualities in every person we meet.

When Christ was on the earth, he knew that every person he met was a sinner, but he loved them all anyway.  He was able to past the sin and love the sinner.

This policy of looking for the best in others nearly always works, unless you are looking for perfection.

While I was on my mission for the LDS church, I had a companion who was dealing with some issues when she came to live with me.  She had kind of met me before, and had heard of me, and for some reason she thought that by living with me, all of her problems would be solved.  Things went great for about a week, until she realized that her problems weren't going away and I wasn't perfect.

Therefore, she decided that it must be my fault and she didn't like me anymore.

I loved her though, and that really bothered her.  She could be very hurtful and angry at times, and I couldn't understand why.  It took me a while, but finally I realized that the reason it upset her that I loved her was because she didn't like herself very much.  When you don't like yourself, it's hard to realize that others can love you.  It's also very hard to like others.

Since then, she has dealt wonderfully with the things that were bothering her and has matured into a beautiful, wonderful woman.  She was always wonderful, but I think she has really started to see that now.

Expect the best in others, but don't expect them to solve your problems or to be perfect.  I often find that when others annoy me, it's because they reflect a quality of myself that I don't like very much.  Once I figure that out, it's easy for me to put those petty annoyances aside and enjoy the person in front of me.  The golden rule still lives.  Treat others as you want to be treated.  If you want other to nitpick everything that's wrong with you, by all means, do it to everyone you meet.

However, if you want them to love you as God would, do the same for them.  I have felt a bit of his love that he feels for His children, and I can tell you that the feeling is overwhelming.

The Lord loves each of us more than we can possibly understand.  Life can be rough and bad things can happen, but everything that occurs if for our benefit.  As we grow and learn from each trial, we mature into the beautiful creature that God always intended for us to be.  I wrote a blog a while ago about why bad things happen to good people, if you want to read it, the link is right here.

One of my favorite sayings goes, "The Lord loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way."

The Lord can see the potential in each of us.  I pray that we can also see the potential in each other.  

Kevin fell asleep on Grig's shoulder.  Cute picture!

Try to feel the love that the Lord has for those around you, and I can promise that you will be astonished.  This world is full of wonderful people, including you!

Not Living Up to Expectations

Saturday, my husband and I took my brother-in-law to the movies.  We paid for him as a treat, but after the movie, all he did was complain about how much he hated it.  He griped about how movie theaters were a waste of time, how he'd wasted his time going with us, and how he just felt empty inside because all he could do was sit there and watch.

Finally, I did something I don't normally do.  I lost my temper a little bit.  I simply said, "You know what?  Fine.  We won't invite you to another movie."

As he tried to say, "No..." I continued, "No!  If you don't like them, there's no reason to bring you to the movie theater with us again."  I then proceeded to tell him about how Grig had used his spending money to pay for both of us, and Havelock hadn't even told him thank you.  He'd done nothing but complain.

I surprised Havelock.  I surprised Grig even more.

I'm a very non-confrontational person.  That night, I was tired.  I'd wanted to have a fun family evening and spend some time with my husband, but we had made a sacrifice so that Havelock could come with us.  We'd wanted to spend time with him.  So, when he seemed ungrateful, I kind of lost it a little.  Which is something I don't do.

So, five seconds later, I apologized.  The next day I learned that I had hurt his feelings with my comments.  Havelock is a wonderful person, but he doesn't always understand social cues.  He wasn't meaning to be offensive or rude.  He was simply trying to figure out how he felt about the movie.  He didn't think his negative statements were having any affect on us, and usually they probably wouldn't have.  So, the next day, we all had a talk about how our actions are perceived versus our intentions. It turned out to be an excellent conversation, and afterward we all felt better.

However, I spent the whole night previous to our discussion feeling terrible about what I'd said.  Or rather, it wasn't what I said, but how I said it.  I shouldn't have acted in anger, even mild anger.

I felt awful because usually I have very good control over what I do or say.  When Grig told me that he didn't know how to react to what I said because I surprised him so much, I felt even worse.  I hate it when I don't live up to the expectations of those around me.  I like to make people happy, and it's terrible when they find out I'm not perfect.

Well, guess what everyone?  I'm not.

I'm not perfect.

I make tons of mistakes all the time.  I know that, and I still like myself.  However, when other people are disappointed in me, it really hurts.

When I served a mission for the LDS church, I served with several wonderful women.  In the mission field, you serve in pairs.  This acts as a protection, but also gives you companionship when you are doing extremely difficult things.  In a perfect companionship, you get along great, you work together, and you comfort each other in times of hardship.  However, sometimes companionships don't get along. 

All of my companions were wonderful people.  At one point however, I had a companion who decided she didn't like me very much.  After about three weeks she told me "The honeymoon is over."  She then informed me that she had looked forward to serving with me, but now that she found out I wasn't perfect she didn't really like me anymore.

For a while, I really struggled with that.  I wanted to be friends with her, and I wanted her to enjoy herself.  Later, it turned out that she was just having some internal struggles.  Because she wasn't very happy with herself, she had a hard time enjoying my company.  We've since become friends, and I understand what she was going through at the time.  I just hate not meeting other's expectations.

However, I have learned something over the years.

What other people think doesn't matter.

If I know I am doing my best and I am trying my best, the only person whose opinion I should be concerned with is my Heavenly Father's.  He truly understands me and my struggles.  He understands why I do and say things.  He understands my weaknesses and is very patient with me.

I'm not perfect, but I am trying.  I will continue to try to get along with everyone that is placed in my path, but sometimes it's good to have a reminder that I'm not out here to please others.  I'm meant to please myself.

Once I do that, other people's opinions don't matter.




As a side note, Grig wasn't upset with me.  In fact, he really supported what I said.  I just surprised him by the way I said it that night.  Grig is one of the wonderful people who understands me and loves me regardless of my imperfections.  People like that are truly a blessing to have in my life.