Lashing Out

Sometimes it is difficult to not lash out at those who are the closest to you.

Usually it's because something else is wrong (like you're hungry or tired) and someone says something that causes just pushes the wrong button and suddenly you explode like a cat unexpectedly dipped in water.

It isn't fair to those who receive the brunt of your anger. It's not their fault that they didn't know you were in grenade mode and they just pulled the pin.

This happens to all of us, and unfortunately, family are usually the ones who end up being hurt.

For those people who know me, they'll know that for the most part, I'm a pretty calm, laid-back person. However, there are days where I am frazzled or stressed and I can be just as moody as anyone else. On those days, I usually end up feeling pretty bad.

I don't like to make other people feel bad either. Kevin should never have to cry because I lost my temper.

I don't like to be angry and I HATE confrontation. However, if I get pushed far enough, I will lash out. I like to be in control of my emotions and it drives me nuts when I do something without thinking about it first, especially if I hurt someone else's feelings.

One time in high school, a kid and I were messing around and whipping each other with apron strings (it was a cooking class). Suddenly, one of the strings hit me and it hurt! Surprised, I reacted without thinking. I punched the kid into the wall. Even as I was punching, I realized what I was doing and tried to stop. I remember quite clearly, like it was slow motion my fist moving and my mouth saying, "I'm sorryyyyyy," at the same time.

I don't punch anymore (unless I'm pregnant), but sometimes my words have the same whip-like effect when I'm inadvertently hurt. I'll say something before I mean to, and usually it is still pretty tactful, but I still feel bad because I lost control for a moment.

I hate losing control.

I just had one of those lashing out moments and it was on my mind. We've already resolved it, but I still feel bad.

I guess that's why we're here though. If we were already perfect, why would we need to be on this earth?

It's a learning journey, and we're trying to figure it out as we go.