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Foster Care Meeting 5 & 6

Class five and six were definitely easier classes, but they were also very important.

In class five, we learned about the biological parents. After talking so much about figuring out what was going on in children's minds, we were turning our attention to the "abusers" and "neglectors."

However, after talking about asking "why are they doing this," in relation to the children, it was pretty easy for me to transfer that same thought process toward the parents.

First, the instructor showed us a picture of a very messy home. He asked us to try and look at it in a positive way. Instead of finding things to scorn and find concerning, he asked us to look for positive areas in the home. Our job was to figure out what the parent was doing right, so we could work from there. We were also supposed to try and think of the best possible reasons that the house might be in that condition.

He explained that he had been to some extremely disgusting homes when he first became involved in the foster care program, and he had motioned to the mess around him and asked the parents, "What are we going to do about this?"

The parents would look at him with very obvious confusion and say, "About what? You should have seen my mother's house. Mine looks great compared to hers."

A lot of time, they simply don't know that there is a better way. If we are going to work with them, we need to find the good things that they are accomplishing so we can support, love, and care for them.

Some of the notes I took during this meeting, consisted of the following:

• We need to think "why are they doing this? or why are they acting this way?" instead of "How dare they do this!" toward the parents.
• If there is a cause for behaviors in children, why isn't there a cause for adults?
• Never say anything bad about bioparents, especially in front of their children. If the kid wants to talk negatively about their parents, listen and validate their feelings, but don't encourage. 
• We need to help parents get in a state where they think, "I can do that." Overwhelmed parents are not thinking parents. Don't be fearful, invite and aid. 
• Try and see things from bioparent's perspective. They are living in the moment. They can't see the big picture, or waste time thinking about the future.

It was really interesting to think about things from a different perspective. We had entered this program to help children in need. I had never even thought about helping their families. However, as we watched some videos of parents who had previously had children in foster care, I realized how important it is that we don't give up on the children's parents too. 

A lot of these parents are no more than children in adults bodies still living in survival mode and struggling with their own abuse and trauma. They need the help as much as their children do. Instead of turning our backs on them and dismissing them as "failures," we need to be their support and encourage the progress they are making.

The instructor talked about how, especially with parents who are on drugs, that the trauma of having their children removed can send them spiraling even deeper into their addiction. By the time they finish the grief cycle, time is almost up (they have a year to prove to the judge that they are making substantial progress.) Often these parents will look at all the things that they are supposed to do and the amount of time they have left, and they will just give up. 

Reunification is the BEST option, if it is safe and possible. We need to treat these parents like human beings and have more empathy for what they are going through. I hope that we'll be able to help a lot of parents and children become reunited and functional.

In class 6, we talked about Managing Emotions & Behaviors and the Effects of Caregiving. In other words, this was the discipline class.

Grig and I had both been looking forward to this class, because we were hoping that it would help us with disciplining our three year old. It was somewhat gratifying to realize that we were already doing a lot of the things that he explained to us. 

For example, a while ago, we were trying to figure out how to help Kevin's reactions. He would start screaming when he didn't like something, and would become physical. We were at a loss, when suddenly it hit me that we could try role-playing. So, when something happened, and he reacted in a way that we didn't like, we would stop and practice the situation in a positive manner a couple more times. 

So it would go like this: 

Random friend: Kevin's Mom, Kevin is blocking the slide!

Kevin: *gives a grumpy and stubborn face*

Me: Kevin, would you like it if your friends wouldn't let you go down the slide?

Kevin: *grunts and doesn't respond*

Me: Would that make you happy?

Kevin: No.

Me: Okay, let's practice. You pretend to block me, and I'm going to ask you to stop. 

Kevin: *stands in front of me with arms stretched out*

Me: Please move, Kevin.

Kevin: Okay. *He moves out of the way*

Me: My turn. Now I'm going to block you.

Kevin: Please move out of my way.

Me: Very good! Let's try again!

It's been working really well for us, and has helped to teach him how he should react in those situations. He's been a lot easier to work with. You can't just tell a child how to stop a behavior, they have to have something to replace that behavior.

There are also some that we definitely need to work on, but overall, I don't think we are doing too badly as parents. 

Here are some of my notes from the discipline class:

• Effective discipline is more concerned about stopping future behaviors, instead of current behaviors
• Offer reasons and show child why they will benefit the child
• Engage in positive discussions
• The most effective parenting is teaching and showing 
• You can't tell someone they can't do something, you have to give them another option
• 3 things to ask before you deal with a child: 1-How am I feeling? 2- How is the child feeling? 3- If I continue with this path, how will this impact our relationship long-term.
• Every interaction you have with a child teaches something. 
• Always ask WHY. If we're questioning, we're staying in the logical part of our brain and not dropping into the emotional basement of our brain. The emotional part of our brain is the part that can be out-of-control.
• Whenever you say, "Don't" you've only alerted their brains to what comes next. Most of the time, they won't hear the "don't." They'll only hear the second part, and they'll do it.
• Notice good behaviors. Recognize them and praise the child. Acknowledge the progress they're making and help the child be aware of their own progress.
• Negative attention is better than NO attention. A child will take what they can get.
• Timing matters (how far along they are developmentally, understanding their age and what they can comprehend, how we and they are feeling in the moment.
• Every behavior is purposeful. There's always a reason behind it. 
• Have appropriate consequences, both good and bad. They need to make sense to your child. Control yourself. Our logic brain and our emotional brain are like the opposite ends of a teeter-totter. The higher one side, the less control the other side has. If we allow our emotions to be raised to high in our minds, we are only going to negatively impact our relationship. Wait until you're at least even. 

• Help them rewire their own brains. Positive reinforcement with immediate feedback. (The instructor explained it like a game of hot and cold. You're always giving feedback on how close they are getting to the target. Telling them they are colder isn't negative, it's useful. If a child comes in the room and you just stare at them, they won't know how to find the object.)
• Explain what they are doing well, don't just tell them, "Good job."
• When modeling a behavior, talk out loud and explain what you are doing and why you are doing it. 

It was a really good class, and I think it has already helped our parenting.

It's kind of funny. I've been training dogs for a long time, and a lot of what they are saying about parenting is pretty similar to dog training. For example, I learned that you should never discipline or train when you are angry. Anger will turn everything you do into a negative experience. If you're feeling your emotions rise, stop training. Resume when you are under control again.

Of course there are differences, but all the things the teacher was teaching us made sense to me.

He also mentioned one other important thing that I wanted to write down.

If you have a two-year-old, and you tell them no, they are going to throw a fit. There is no magic way to fix their behavior.

What did you expect? They're two.

😃😊😄

Foster Care Meeting 3&4

Last week was pretty crazy. We had our foster care meetings on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Then, on Tuesday I donated blood, Friday night we had our Primary Program practice for church (for which I am the chorister) and fed the sister missionaries. Saturday night we also went to the temple. In my personal time, I still trying really hard to keep up with my writing, housekeeping, and my three-year-old.

Is it any wonder that I got behind on my blogging?

The meetings last week were the roughest ones to attend.

Foster care class 3 was about Trauma and Its Effects and Sexual Abuse.

The teacher showed us some pictures of abused children and their injuries. He started off simple (fingerprint bruises) and went all the way to 3rd degree burns on the feet and legs from being held into boiling water. Even as we discussed how children react to trauma, the instructor continued to remind us that we needed to keep reunification in our minds, no matter what state the children came to us in. Sometimes, the parents would only act this way when they were on drugs or drunk, and so the solution for reunification would be to get the parents off of their drugs.

If the parents are willing to do that, then reunification is possible.

I also took some notes. I wrote the following:

• Before we assume there is a learning disability, remember the circumstances. Kids in survival mode don't care about education,
• Whatever you experience as a baby will impact you for the rest of your life.
• Show kids how relationships can be. 
• If a child initiates a conversation about trauma, listen. Don't ask questions, let them guide the conversation. Then, afterward, write down everything you can remember that they told you and call the case worker.
• Validate children's feelings.
• If you burn all of your energy hating the peretrator, you won't have any energy left to help the child. 
• Don't talk badly about a child's parents.

We also watched a short video called "Removed." It was really sad and taken from the child in foster care's perspective. I learned some pretty important things from the video. I learned that you never give up on a child. They might be just about to open up to you. If you turn away from them then, it will be difficult to for them to ever trust anyone again. 

I also learned that keeping siblings together is so important. Sometimes, older siblings become the parents to the younger ones, and when you separate them, it is another form of trauma that they have to endure.

We also talked about children who are sexually abused. That was a pretty rough segment of class too. The teacher told us that children who are sexually abused will not be returning to their abuser. Their abuser will be going to prison. However, they may be returned to the remaining parent or caregiver if the situation is deemed safe. 

No matter what, if the situation can become safe and the parents can show enough improvement, children will always do better with their biological parents. 

At the end of the class, the teacher had us pair up with someone we didn't know in the class. Once we had done that, he instructed us to decide who was going to talk first. The other person was just going to listen. Once we had decided who was speaking, he said, "Now I'm going to give you your topic...Describe the last intimate moment you had in detail."

Everyone stared at each other, and a lot of nervous giggles broke out. No one spoke. When he asked us why we were hesitating, people explained that they felt uncomfortable, they were embarrassed, or they felt that intimacy was meant to be private. 

After everyone had expressed their feelings, the teacher said, "Now, understand, that is exactly what you are asking these children to do who have been sexually abused. The judge and the courts will ask them to describe something that they have been taught is an expression of love to a group of strangers. Try to put yourself in their place."

He talked a bit about sexual predators and how they knew how to groom these kids into doing what they wanted them to do. They didn't usually threaten, instead they became friends and slowly as the relationship progressed, they will teach them how they want them to show their love. 

The instructor also told us that removal from these predators can be traumatic for the child, and if we were to ask them if they wanted to live with us, complete strangers, or the sexual predator whom they knew and trusted, they would pick the predator.

It was a difficult class, but we learned a lot of important things. 

Foster class number 4 was about Minimizing the Trauma of Placement. 

For this class, we started off with the lights off and we were asked to imagine a scenario with our eyes closed. He told us to imagine that class had been cancelled, so we went home and sat in our favorite spot. Then, as we were relaxing in this area, someone knocked on the door. When we answer it, he was standing there and he told us that we needed to go pack our things and come with him. He was going to take us to a better home with a really nice family. 

As I listened, I began to get really annoyed and frustrated. Basically, in my mind, I was saying, "Make me. The heck I'm going with you."

Then, he described loading us into his car and having us watch our homes disappear. Then he talked about driving for a while and coming to a new house with a bunch of smiling people and having him tell us that this was our new family. I imagined a rundown home and a bunch of maniacally smiling people. The irritation I felt began to become frustration as a sense of helplessness flowed through me. It sent tingles up my arms. 

Afterward, he asked us how we felt and our reactions. After listening, he told us that we really needed to understand how the children were feeling. No matter their home situation, their house was a familiar place. No one wants to be taken from their home and placed at a stranger's home. Was it any wonder that they may not like us at first?

Here are some things I wrote down from this meeting:

• Allow children to eat what they're familiar with. Gradually, as they learn to trust you, they will try new things.
• Explain to Kevin that the other children may need special allowances.
• Don't tell, show. Model proper behavior. Teach through our actions. 
• Before you can help a child go somewhere else, go to where they are, and then you can move together. 
• "I'm sorry you're upset."
• Confidentiality is a BIG deal. 
• To deal with a sexually responsive child, prevention and observation are the most important thing.
• Don't give up on children. They may be coming around just as you abandon them.
• "This is a safe place and I won't let anyone ____ you, so I can't let you ____ anyone because this is a safe place."
• Create lifebook using child's entire life, not just with you. 
• Give choices, allow the child to feel control over some aspect of their lives.
• Ideas for transitions: Allow child to pick one wall color or bedding. Just do normal things. Establish rules before children come. Adapt to child when they come.
• Keep rules as basic as possible. Address issues as they arrive. Family book. 
• Ask what makes child feel safe. (Watch, observe)
• Give opportunities to express themselves freely. 
• Be mindful of transitions and other emotional "hot spots" (meals, food, bedtime, physical boundaries.)
• Be honest and open in regards to their future. 

We also finished watching the second part of "Removed." 

The most important thing he kept stressing was ask "Why?" Don't get upset by the child's actions. Simply ask, "Why are they acting that way?" Once you are able to understand where they're coming from and why they are reacting the way they are, you will have more patience with their behaviors and you will be able to help them where they are. 

This meeting wasn't quite as difficult, but it was still sad. It was hard to realize that there is no easy solution for these poor children in foster care. It's traumatic to be taken from your home, no matter how awful your home is. You still have bonds and connections there, and everything is familiar. 

It's really good to understand why children might be acting out. I'm really grateful that we have been taking these classes. It's helped us to talk about things that we may never have discussed, and it's brought us closer as a couple. We've learned a lot about child psychology, and it's helped us to be better parents for Kevin. 

Boy Reading Book to Dogs

Enjoy a cute moment with our son reading to our dogs.

National Novel Writing Month

If you've been following my blog for a while, you probably remember that the last three or four years I've been participating in National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo.

This is again the case this month.

If you're interested in writing, during the month of November there is a site at nanowrimo.org where you can sign up for free and keep track of how many words you write. Their goal is 50,000 during the month of November. Your own personal goal can be more or less than that.

I am currently on the third rewrite of my novel, and I'm up to 10,899 words. My cousin, who is amazing, has already hit 50,000 (not that I'm comparing, I just think she's awesome).

My goal this November actually has nothing to do with number of words, though it is oddly motivating for me to see how many I write every day and I still would like to achieve 50,000 by the end of the month. Instead, my goal is to completely finish rewriting before November is over and start submitting my book to agents by the end of the year.

Hopefully 2017 will be the year I finally get published.

I'm pretty excited about my book right now. Sometimes, my brain gets so involved in it, that I can't sleep, which happened last night. I was trying to go to bed early so I could get up and write, but instead my mind was trying to figure out the phases and orbits of three moons around a planet if one of the moons is in geostationary orbit.

Fun, right?

Creating a world is pretty exhilarating. You can basically make anything you want. I like mine to fit within scientific rules that we already know, but after that, the possibilites are endless! Tweak the size of the planet and gravity becomes less. Creatures can get bigger than they can on Earth and lift heavier things.

It's exciting.

I've been writing since I could write. I have some pretty funny books that I wrote in 1st grade that I've kept for years, and one of the stories that I'm writing, I have been working on since 2nd grade. That particular book is on its second rewrite, but it was put on pause because the book I'm rewriting now if much further developed.

Anyway, if anyone is interested in writing a novel this month, it's not too late to sign up. It's been a little difficult for me to write this month, due to the foster care classes, being a mom, and other schedule changes, but I'm still doing it.

You can too, if you want to.